In your own personal beliefs is infidelity unforgivable or can you move on past it? (Provided your significant other never does it again.)

It all depends on both people in the relationship. If the cheater is willing to be faithful and if the "non-cheater" is really willing to forgive and move forward. If the "non-cheater" is unable to forgive and move forward then there will always be negative feelings towards the other.

Trust is a pillar of a relationship. It does not come twice...never to the degree it was before the cheating happened. That relationship's over. Seriously, if one would cheat, it means the relationship isn't valueable enough to that person to say "No."

If she would trade my feelings for a piece of ass, she can't be worth the risk a second time.

Here is another spin on the issue?

What motivates a person to cheat?

Do the reasons men cheat differ from reasons why women cheat?

I think for most, it's the excitement of doing something the other doesn't know. For some, compulsive shopping, gambling, doing drugs, etc. is another form of cheating and all have their consequences. I think someone that is an adrenaline (spelling?) junkie needs to have some form of secret life to keep their own exciting and if sexually cheating is their certain thing, then that's what they do and the excitement is finding clever ways to do what excites them and not get caught. I think men and women are equal animals, I'm a woman and have known women to be worse than men when it comes to just simply getting a kick out of taking the risk when it comes to shopping or an affair. For men, I've seen the affair and drugs as their secret life. The sad thing is (and this is for the men)that most of the time, the children will go to the mom no matter what happens, making it easier for women to make the decision to cheat, men have much more to lose by getting caught, causing a few to curb their desire. I believe that once anyone is caught, they feel terrible about it and deeply regret it, but will soon forget those feelings and be tempted yet again later on or maybe with the next person. I personally am a non-forgiver (there's just too many single men out there for me to feel I need to settle for someone dishonest), but I believe that every situation is different so I try not to judge.

Although I have never cheated and wont I have been cheated on and never really forgave...I just couldnt get the fact she had been with another guy out of my mind.

I think for most, it's the excitement of doing something the other doesn't know. For some, compulsive shopping, gambling, doing drugs, etc. is another form of cheating and all have their consequences. I think someone that is an adrenaline (spelling?) junkie needs to have some form of secret life to keep their own exciting and if sexually cheating is their certain thing, then that's what they do and the excitement is finding clever ways to do what excites them and not get caught. I think men and women are equal animals, I'm a woman and have known women to be worse than men when it comes to just simply getting a kick out of taking the risk when it comes to shopping or an affair. For men, I've seen the affair and drugs as their secret life. The sad thing is (and this is for the men)that most of the time, the children will go to the mom no matter what happens, making it easier for women to make the decision to cheat, men have much more to lose by getting caught, causing a few to curb their desire. I believe that once anyone is caught, they feel terrible about it and deeply regret it, but will soon forget those feelings and be tempted yet again later on or maybe with the next person. I personally am a non-forgiver (there's just too many single men out there for me to feel I need to settle for someone dishonest), but I believe that every situation is different so I try not to judge.


Yep....absolutely.

I think for most, it's the excitement of doing something the other doesn't know. For some, compulsive shopping, gambling, doing drugs, etc. is another form of cheating and all have their consequences. I think someone that is an adrenaline (spelling?) junkie needs to have some form of secret life to keep their own exciting and if sexually cheating is their certain thing, then that's what they do and the excitement is finding clever ways to do what excites them and not get caught. I think men and women are equal animals, I'm a woman and have known women to be worse than men when it comes to just simply getting a kick out of taking the risk when it comes to shopping or an affair. For men, I've seen the affair and drugs as their secret life. The sad thing is (and this is for the men)that most of the time, the children will go to the mom no matter what happens, making it easier for women to make the decision to cheat, men have much more to lose by getting caught, causing a few to curb their desire. I believe that once anyone is caught, they feel terrible about it and deeply regret it, but will soon forget those feelings and be tempted yet again later on or maybe with the next person. I personally am a non-forgiver (there's just too many single men out there for me to feel I need to settle for someone dishonest), but I believe that every situation is different so I try not to judge.

Ditto

Mariner...I don't think it's the vision of the other guy that ate at you, after all, you probably wasn't her first, it's probably 1.)the thought that she thought so little of the relationship, especially the friendship. 2.)if you think about it...what exactly did she tell him during this affair, I think the potential lover could be drawn into a known affair if he/she felt that they were "saving" that person from being alone or just having something their not getting at home, sadly, these are usually lies to begin with and it's the lover getting played too. 3.)you can't help but look back at previous conversations and wonder, did she just say that to throw me off, kinda makes the rest of the relationship somehow seem like a mystery, when's it going to happen? who with? how is the coverup going to play out? etc. 4.)the one that did the cheating is fully aware of your distrust and just simply gives up trying to make the relationship work, after all, she's already "every name in the book". Problem children are said to be that way almost primarily because they don't feel loved or wanted in some way, so they don't even try. They just give up. Man, I can sure babble a lot in these post! Sorry! I'll shut up now.

I've seen it a few times...if she bad-mouths her SO to a person she just met, she's probably willing to cheat. Same goes for us guys.

Ya know, I can't explain this, so I'll just state it; and you all reply as you see fit (Cause I really don't understand it.) It doesn't matter a whole lot who she's been with in the past, I'd prefer not to hear about it or know. But if she cheated, from that point she'd seem dirty....That's why I couldn't get past the cheating.

Leon's note: "probably willing to cheat"....I have a question with first giving my reason for asking.

I have tried relationships and have had problems with men that come into it already not really trusting me, even though I have never cheated on anyone in my life. Little things like being a few minutes late coming in from work and getting a comment like : "oh, had to stop by your other's house for a quickie?" which sometimes can be just joking, but still tells me something like that is in their minds.

My question is...do some people already have in their minds, a "type" of person or certain personality that would make them feel that the person would cheat. Can a person just simply appear to be a person that would do this?

It's just wierd that I've had more than one relationship that started on sexual distrust. Not one relationship had problems with me coming in from the store with something in my hand and had my partner say "did you steal that or actually pay for it", so apparently I don't have the "shoplifter ora" just the "cheater ora"

I have tried relationships and have had problems with men that come into it already not really trusting me, even though I have never cheated on anyone in my life. Little things like being a few minutes late coming in from work and getting a comment like : "oh, had to stop by your other's house for a quickie?" which sometimes can be just joking, but still tells me something like that is in their minds.


Girl, that is rooted in insecurity and control issues. Seriously, I could write a book about it; it destroyed my marriage...got so bad she was impossible to live with. Example: She insisited that I wash the vehicles in the driveway because she was certain I planned to meet somone at the carwash.

All kinds of personalities cheat though, Tomgirl. So if you're not cheating it's not your problem. Before they make accusations, they should have more 'evidence' than you being ten minutes late getting home from Wal-Mart.

Exactly Leon, it's very frustrating to deal with something like that. Especially when others end up getting pulled into their insecurities, such as:

I have a friend that lives about 10 minutes away, I leave, stop and get gas, pay at the pump leaving my purse in the car, arrive at my friend's house in about 20 minutes only to have my friend standing at the door saying "you need to call home...he called about 5 minutes ago accusing me of covering up for you...what the hell is that all about?"....very embarrasing! He stated that not answering my cell phone (which was in the car when I was pumping gas) and not being at my friend's, was a dead givaway and the fact that I called him 10 minutes after he called her house was just that she called me and alerted me and I ran over there quickly to call him back. This argument went on for an exhausting week and only ended when we broke up.

I agree...if your going to just constantly accuse someone without a shred of proof, then your making yourself live the nightmare anyway.

What cracks me up is I know a couple who's husband became a drug user, not a normal drug user, but a whacked out on Meth crazy person, she is still with him even though he has pawned everything she owned and causes scary people to come to her front door demanding to know where he is and they have kids! I practically fall out of my chair when she says, "well..it's not like he cheated or anything".

Is cheating in a relationship worse than any other case senario, what about "could this person be a serial killer, child molester, drug user, in the mafia, have aids, deadbeat parent...dang...the list goes on. I know I'm not going to waste my precious life stalking my partner over an affair, the proof would have to just about slap me in the face.

Exactly Leon, it's very frustrating to deal with something like that. Especially when others end up getting pulled into their insecurities, such as:

I have a friend that lives about 10 minutes away, I leave, stop and get gas, pay at the pump leaving my purse in the car, arrive at my friend's house in about 20 minutes only to have my friend standing at the door saying "you need to call home...he called about 5 minutes ago accusing me of covering up for you...what the hell is that all about?"....very embarrasing! He stated that not answering my cell phone (which was in the car when I was pumping gas) and not being at my friend's, was a dead givaway and the fact that I called him 10 minutes after he called her house was just that she called me and alerted me and I ran over there quickly to call him back. This argument went on for an exhausting week and only ended when we broke up.

I agree...if your going to just constantly accuse someone without a shred of proof, then your making yourself live the nightmare anyway.

What cracks me up is I know a couple who's husband became a drug user, not a normal drug user, but a whacked out on Meth crazy person, she is still with him even though he has pawned everything she owned and causes scary people to come to her front door demanding to know where he is and they have kids! I practically fall out of my chair when she says, "well..it's not like he cheated or anything".

Is cheating in a relationship worse than any other case senario, what about "could this person be a serial killer, child molester, drug user, in the mafia, have aids, deadbeat parent...dang...the list goes on. I know I'm not going to waste my precious life stalking my partner over an affair, the proof would have to just about slap me in the face.

The gas pump, cell phone thing....that's just ludicrous. Don't take this wrong, but if he felt he couldn't trust you, he should have moved on. I suspect the problem was all his and he'd never trust anybody. And I doubt your deserved to be on the receiving and of that crap.

As far as the dopeheads go....I think some people are simply terrified of being alone. That's too bad; it wouldn't be difficult for them to upgrade.

I ain't perfect, I know, but I'm loyal, and I'd never pawn anything for a high.

Trust is a pillar of a relationship.


Amen. Without trust, there is no relationship. It's possible to overcome cheating, but it takes a lot of hard work, and most people aren't emotionally strong enough or willing to put that much work into relationships. It could take years to rebuild that trust.

Yes, beatle...it takes years, even if you don't stay with the person, you will go into the next relationship and the next with the shield up. It's really not fair when there is no sign or no clue that your just wasting your time with a person because of a past love that let them down. It's like the person is "damaged" and no matter how much you like the person, it's just not going to happen. Of course, after the relationship starts and you find this out, they have already stamped you as the "next one that will break their heart" and can't change up at that point, so their only hope is to start over with someone else and hopefully, eventually, it will be long enough for them to forget.

Babble...Babble...here I go again..lol!

even if you don't stay with the person, you will go into the next relationship and the next with the shield up. It's really not fair when there is no sign or no clue that your just wasting your time with a person because of a past love that let them down. It's like the person is "damaged" and no matter how much you like the person, it's just not going to happen. Of course, after the relationship starts and you find this out, they have already stamped you as the "next one that will break their heart" and can't change up at that point, so their only hope is to start over with someone else and hopefully, eventually, it will be long enough for them to forget.


Yep, thats pretty much it right there. I can say I am at the spot now, I was cheated on by a wife of six years with a friend that was over 15 years older than her. So needless to say I can't trust anybody, and one reason I haven't found anybody else or got any friends because I can't rust anybody. It does hurt not haveing somebody to be with or a circle of friends becasue of a past distrust or a cheated partner. I wish I could find some people or person to have as friends to get over my trust issues I have, but haven't found anybody yet. Cheating is wrong and yes I do hate it with a passion and the thoughts that go along with what happened to me would land me in big trouble. I hate cheaters and always will, I think anybody that cheats in a relationship for sex should be shipped off to there own island so everybody can cheat on everybody and if they get caught big deal they are in there own little world where they can't hurt the good people that deserve the best.

"I wish I could find some people or person to have as friends to get over my trust issues"

Please don't assume that this is the only way your going to get past the issues, this will only result in a "victim" on the other end, like I was, completely unaware that I was "therepy not working". A new relationship should be exciting and wonderful, not an instant shoulder or revenge.

Wait on the relationship and just work on getting new friends first, the kind you REALLY want, not the kind you think are cool or you think fit a lifestyle that you think you want. If someone is kicking back, bragging about his jail time, chances are, someday, he will take you down with him and the same goes for cheaters. If they are bragging about the woman they are seeing on the side, chances are, someday, one of them will turn on you.

Get some new friends, be picky....as you posted above, your pretty much starting over and here is your chance to be around people that don't have this issue even cross their minds, there's more of us out there than you think. Then later on, after you've spent some time with your new friends and see that not all people are that way, then maybe meet someone, maybe through your new circle!

Ya know....it happens. I think, stastitically, half cheat. Probably more. Most of us never find out.

Is it right to assume that he/she will cheat on you? I hope not.

Maybe there was a big problem in their previous relationship. Too many people can't face their issues head-on.

Maybe they learned how serious it is.

Wow... Good question.

My ex held on to me for all the wrong reasons. For over 10 years.

I cheated on her several times. Toward the end I didn't even try to hide it. :omg:

I know that makes me the north end of a southbound horse, but it's the truth.

Having experienced this from both sides, I've come to the conclusion that if you have to go outside your relationship for companionship (sexual or otherwise) it's time to re-evaluate that relationship.
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[QUOTE=TomGirl

Please don't assume that this is the only way your going to get past the issues, this will only result in a "victim" on the other end, like I was, completely unaware that I was "therepy not working". A new relationship should be exciting and wonderful, not an instant shoulder or revenge.

Wait on the relationship and just work on getting new friends first, the kind you REALLY want, not the kind you think are cool or you think fit a lifestyle that you think you want. If someone is kicking back, bragging about his jail time, chances are, someday, he will take you down with him and the same goes for cheaters. If they are bragging about the woman they are seeing on the side, chances are, someday, one of them will turn on you.

Get some new friends, be picky....as you posted above, your pretty much starting over and here is your chance to be around people that don't have this issue even cross their minds, there's more of us out there than you think. Then later on, after you've spent some time with your new friends and see that not all people are that way, then maybe meet someone, maybe through your new circle![/QUOTE]

No not at all what I am assumeing, just the fact that I can find people that dont want to know the facts and I cna forget and move on and og out and have fun and keep busy i sthe whole thing. I don't want ot be too picky but picky enough I don't end up with the wrong people and be worse than if being alone. If I do meet anybody I will be upfront and at least tell them I have trust problems becasue o fpast bad times and am working on getting over it. The trust has to start somewhere and to lie and cheat to cover it up just won't work. Why I am glad I found this place about a year and half back, I have found many nice bunch of folk here just to talk and have disscussions with, and am thankful for that much its a start.

I haven't penned with you yet Redneck, but just wondering...since your being so honest...10 years is a long time to linger in this situation, did it really take this long for you to figure it out? Was it her that finally got fed up and ended it? Did she just love you so much that she was hoping you would grow out of it, instead you just finally found someone to replace her? Just wondering.

yeh, dirtrider, I like it here too. One other thing....being up front with someone doing do crap. Like your going to be in a heart-to-heart with someone and tell them that you have trust issues and they are going to immediately save you by saying something like "well, you don't want to hang with me then...cause I'll stab ya in the back in your sleep!"

All it's going to do is make someone feel like they've taken on a mental case and until they get to know you, that's exactly what you will appear to be. Not fair? Of course not, but heck....I know I have a million other things to worry about without having to worry if my friend misunderstood something I said because he/she is looking for something wrong with me.

I haven't penned with you yet Redneck, but just wondering...since your being so honest...10 years is a long time to linger in this situation, did it really take this long for you to figure it out? Was it her that finally got fed up and ended it? Did she just love you so much that she was hoping you would grow out of it, instead you just finally found someone to replace her? Just wondering.

Geez... how do I cover this without writing a sordid novel?

I take the responsibility for what happened. I made the mistake of getting involved with someone I really wasn't physically attracted to. She was (is) a very intelligent person who could carry on a good conversation. We shared interests such as sports and bowling.

The mistake was that I felt that this good friendship would make a good marriage despite the lack of attraction. This was really a mutual feeling as I wasn't really wasn't her type either.

We tried a lot of things to spice things up, but it wasn't doing it for me. She, on the other hand, felt this was forever, despite my infidelity.

After about eight years, my interest in sex with anyone had dwindled to nothing. I was OK with this, figuring it would settle me down some.

Then something happened...

I met someone through a mutual friend. Wow... She was the total package. Easy to look at, a fun person to talk to. Problem was, she was married too.

She had been married for 20 years, and had two sons. Her husband was a drinker, and got abusive at times. Her self esteem was shot. She felt she was stuck because he had her believing she was worthless.

While I was no saint by any means, I never was physically or verbally abusive to my ex.

God, I'm babbling here...

Anyway, this lady and I got to know each other. Other than an occasional kiss now and then, we never crossed the line sexually, and it wasn't from lack of desire.

We knew we wanted a life together, but was it worth all we could loose. We pretty much ended our marriages simultainiously. We have been together now for over a year and a half. We plan to get married soon after our move to OKC.

Hope I didn't bore y'all too bad, but I get a glow every time I think about her.

As for my ex, we still stay in contact. I actually think we've become better friends after all this.

It's okay, I babble too.

"better friends" is wonderful, and she will eventually find a real soulmate herself. Even though 2 marriages were crashed to make 1, it sounds like it was probably the best thing for everyone (except maybe the ex of the new lady who is going to have a hard time finding someone now-a-days that will put up with any abuse, women are alot stronger than they use to be.)

yeh, dirtrider, I like it here too. One other thing....being up front with someone doing do crap. Like your going to be in a heart-to-heart with someone and tell them that you have trust issues and they are going to immediately save you by saying something like "well, you don't want to hang with me then...cause I'll stab ya in the back in your sleep!"

All it's going to do is make someone feel like they've taken on a mental case and until they get to know you, that's exactly what you will appear to be. Not fair? Of course not, but heck....I know I have a million other things to worry about without having to worry if my friend misunderstood something I said because he/she is looking for something wrong with me.

I understood some this except for the "being up front with someone doing do crap." But given your opion for something like this, how would you want to know? Would it rather be up front and honest? Or being untrusting and you wondering if they are being honest? Me I would want someone to be upfront and truthful si would know what to do to either 1) make it better for both partys or 2) lookout bad road ahead. Since I have been in the bad road and seen the distrust, I have been truthful in everything I have done and said, part of being the way I was raise, if caught lying, about anything it was butt beating and grounding so I learned real fast be trustworthy and never lie.

lol!! I meant to write "being up front with someone doesn't do crap", but if you read the previous post, it's not about what your talking about, it's about meeting new people (friends)and being up front about the fact that you find it hard to trust anyone, that it won't help because people are not going to blurt out that that plan to use you, lie to you or try to sleep with your wife/husband, etc.

What you posted is a little unclear too...but one thing that leaps out at me is "I would want someone to be upfront and truthful", do you know someone that wouldn't want this? I think...I'm no expert...just logical...that when friendships and relationship begin, most believe that the other is telling the truth, how do you really know when someone is lying about something? You don't...going back to the original claim that there is and never will be any "guarantee" that someone will never be cheated on, it can happen to anyone, but living in the fear is only hurting yourself.

I take my time getting to know people, this, I believe, is the best way to go. Even ol "upfront & honest" dirtrider...yes you...would and will do some type of "selling yourself" during a first date, even if it's just leaving out the things you don't really want the other to know until they've gotten to know you better. Time as friends, just friends, would eventually reveal the little downfalls and if a relationship still sparks later, you have the friendship, which is most important, you already know everything BEFORE the relationship, not during.