Delicate subject, but I've seen that phrase written a hundred times in the profiles of ladies on Yahoo Personals. I cannot express how idiotic it must be for a man to think he could come between a women and her children. Honestly, I think "My kids come first." should go without saying. I wouldn't want a woman who didn't love her kids more than anything else on earth.

But when that phrase is put in an intro, it presents a few negative conotations such as: "I will not be flexible, you must work your schedule around mine." "I may cancel anything even with no notice and if I use my kids as an excuse, you will not question me."

So....'This' woman loves her kids; that's fantastic, but it's expected too.

I love my son too, but the first words I say to a potential date won't be, "You're number two!"

I cannot express how idiotic it must be for a man to think he could come between a women and her children.



The problem is that some men won't say it but do believe it. I've seen so many, many couples struggle with this problem - stepfamilies have many struggles surrounding this issue.

I've heard many stories of women not putting their kids first and not protecting them from abuse.


I know this is not what you are talking about here but I think the fear of this makes some women want to get this subject out to the forefront before the relationship begins. I think if a women says this up front, it should be commended.

Since you have a child, you know that this potential 'mate' cares about children and will accept and protect your child from harm as well should a relationship develop.

I can see your point though... in some ways, it's almost like a workaholic saying in his profile -
My job will always come first ..( even though it may be true) it's not what you really want to hear!

Also I have seen both men and women look at children as added "baggage" in a relationship. If you are single with children, those are the type of people that you definitely want to stay away from. On the flip side there are people who look at children as a positive gain in a relationship.

I met someone who first told me that his kids were the most important thing in his life. I would never have disputed that, but as we continued dating I disagreed somewhat. I believe his kids are very important and they are important to me as well, but if I plan on creating a relationship with someone I need to be important too. I don't think you should challenge someone to chose, but I also don't think that I am any less important as a wife.

If the relationship goes as far as marriage, than the spouse needs to feel that their decisions and role is equally important. The spouse is a companion to listen to you and support you, and I believe just as important.

I don't like categorizing anybody as being the most important person. People in my life are important in different ways, but to rank importance is also to chose between people. I guess I don't see the need to categorize anyone in that manner, but I also wouldn't want to be around someone who would want me to, that too much like asking a person to chose and you shouldn't have to.

.......but if I plan on creating a relationship with someone I need to be important too. I don't think you should challenge someone to chose, but I also don't think that I am any less important as a wife.

Exactly what I was trying to say in my first post.....except for the "wife" part.

So, assuming that a parent's love for their children is unquestionable, as I do, why should someone thinks it's necessary to bluntly state "My children come first." as some of the first words out of their mouth?

There are two reasons.....1. It gives them an unquestionable, yet fake, way out if they ever don't like how things are going. and 2. They can easily point it to their children if the relationship fails otherwise.

I say this because if the relationship succeeds, then there would be no distinguishing between who comes first and who comes second.

I'd also bet that the person who says those words so early could never acknowledge any responsibility for the failure of the relationship.

Remember, my point here is the timing. Those words can still be used 6 - 12 months after meeting....But they are a warning if used 6-12 seconds after meeting......Run!!

Since you have a child, you know that this potential 'mate' cares about children and will accept and protect your child from harm as well should a relationship develop.



Maybe,.....but, "My kids come first." doesn't necessarily mean, "Your kids come first as well."

Leon, the stepchild, just had to make that point.