This is the hardest thing I have ever had to write, but you guys are the closest thing I have to friends and in some cases family, and I have to tell someone. After 21 years of marriage my wife told last week she wants a divorce. To say I didn't see this coming in an understatement. To quote Clark Griswold, I wouldn't have been more surprised if I had woken up to find my head sewn to the floor. We have two beautiful boys and it breaks my heart that we have to go through this. I do not want a divorce and I love my wife more than anything in this world, but at this point everything is out of my control.

Thanks to everyone on OKCTalk for the years of friendship and debate. I don't know what the near future holds for me so all I can do is ask for your prayers.

Kerry Decker/JTF

On a side note, I will be in OKC at the end of the month, as my mother is sick and I need to come to see her. Maybe while I am there we can do a meet-up if anyone is interested.

I am so very sorry about your troubles. Sounds like you are having a rough time. I am also sorry about your mom. Here's hoping things smooth out before too long. You never know what life will bring. Peace.

Sorry to hear that, Kerry. My best wishes for you and your family while traveling these waters.

Really sorry and will be thinking about you and your family during this difficult time.

Very very sorry. Let us know if there is anything we can do.

I'm very sorry to hear this, try and take as much time as you can to truely sit down with your wife with a professional and talk about what's wrong. I know nothing about your situation but from my own I know after many years together it becomes very hard to truely communicate with each other since we have the tendancy to just assume each other to death and make enemies.

Praying for you and for your marriage.

I am so sorry to hear this sad news. Prayers for you and your family.

Sorry to hear that Kerry. My prayers are with you during these times of trouble. We're here for you if you need us.

Wow that sucks to say the least

My parents divorced when I was 11. They did their best to shield us from the fighting and made sure we knew it wasn't because of us. Just focus on the kids as much as possible because if it's handled properly they will bounce back from it.

hate that, will be thinking of you guys. it's a gut punch just to hear about it happening to others, especially when it's so unexpected

JTF, I am so very sorry to hear that. I wish I had an instant fix, but know that relationships are hard from the start. I hope you find the resolution you want out of this.

JTF, although you & I don't agree on everything discussed here, I certainly empathize with what you're going through, and support you in what lies ahead. Here's wishing you comfort and a clear path ahead.

Kerry, that just blows donkey balls, no other way to say it. I wish there was something that could help ease your sorrow. Know that you are in my thoughts.

JTF, I will pray for you. Having been down that road before both with divorce and with my parents heath, you will be facing the whole cast of emotions. May God's presence give you the comfort and the direction you need.

Kerry, that just blows donkey balls, no other way to say it. I wish there was something that could help ease your sorrow. Know that you are in my thoughts.

What do you know, I still can laugh. Now if you can help me understand Olympic curling that would be great. I watched 4 hours of that over-night and still can't figure it out.

My prayers are with you.

Sorry to hear this and hope there is a peaceful resolution.
Prayers inbound..............

What do you know, I still can laugh. Now if you can help me understand Olympic curling that would be great. I watched 4 hours of that over-night and still can't figure it out.Curling is just like shuffleboard but on ice. Just get your stone closest to the center. All the other stuff is just details. Now to bigger things. You have my prayers. I went through a very similar thing a number of years ago. It hurts.

Kerry,

Sorry to hear what is going on. Stay strong and my thoughts are with you and the entire family that will be impacted by this. You are a great person whom I've come to respect substantially, even though we don't see eye to eye on several things. I've been in a relationship that soured after a few years, but nothing that I can use to compare to your situation - especially with kids involved. I have experienced though where the other half drifts away for one reason or another and it isn't realized until it is too late. Stay strong for your kids and I hope everything turns out well with your mother. We are never dealt more than we can deal with, at least that is what I keep in mind when challenges appear.

Dude?!!?!?! Watched four hours of curling? That is serious insomnia.

On the other matters, my sincere regrets.

We did not connect on your last trip. Give a shout this go around and we can perhaps fix that.

My thoughts are with you.

Man, that sucks. My thoughts and prayers are with you. No matter what you think of me, I really think you seem like an awesome guy and you amazing ideas man that could transform the way people live for the better. I'm still holding you up to that tour you promised me of Jacksonville and that small beach town lolol . . . I could not imagine getting married and then one day out of the blue having my future wife telling me she wants a divorce. There is a girl I really like and feel I love her now when I don't even know her too well, let alone being with her for 20-30 years :p

...anyhow, even thought we disagree a lot, I honestly think you are a cool guy and it's always awesome to meet new people, so if you're in town and have nothing to do, just hit me for a cup of coffee or a Waffle at Waffle Champion... those things rooooock! Cheers man and I hope everything works out for you, so sorry, and again, you are in my thoughts and prayers.

Oh man this is terrible news. I've been thee both as a kid and as an adult. My thoughts are with you.

Sir, take care and hang in there. Many others care.

Been there... done that.... Sometimes people just grow apart.

Best advice I can give is get a good marriage councilor and a better lawyer.

Kerry / JTF, I'm sorry you are going through this difficult time, and my prayers are certainly that you will find peace, and joy very soon.

Never been through it but had some rough experiences that delayed my getting married. Then I found a wonderful woman who had been through a divorce and we've grown together into a solid union. I hope your mending goes as well as my Wife's and mine has.

Kerry,
I am so sorry to hear of this. I promise to pray for you each and every day that you find peace in the midst of this storm.

21 years and out of the blue.... I say don't give up yet keep fighting,people can grow apart but you have to dig deep to find the love the both of you had when you first got together. It's still there it's just may be dormant , I'll pray for the both of you and the kids. That's a long time to just give up and throw in the towel I hope she has a change of heart. Best wishes

You've got mine, amigo.
Remember that life goes on and often gets better and better than what you thought it was in the moment.
(for me it was back in '87 . . . )
(i remarried--make that REALLY married--in 2000)

In part, I'll be praying that everyone involved here comes to their senses and realizes how precious a real marriage is.

Sorry to hear this news.
Hang tough.
Maybe she will reconsider, but if not, life can go on and sometimes be better.
Best of luck osn this.

You know you have my prayers.
Please let me share perhaps the best advice given to me, by anyone, while I was still reeling from this sort of punch:
"Whatever you do, don't say ANYTHING negative about their mother to your children."

As I said: The best advice I got.
And applicable whichever way this situation turns out.

Kerry, i know we've likely never met but reading your opening thread comment brought back the pain of when i went through the same thing many years ago. I'll never forget the emotions i went through that so quickly ran from pure agony to fear to anger to feelings of confusion and betrayal. I'm so sorry you are having to deal with this and truly know your pain. This is a time the women usually have an edge because they surround themselves with their support groups. I highly recommend you do the same to the extent possible. Dont try to suffer through this alone. My thoughts are with you and good luck.

I'll second the support recommendation. Find it wherever you are most comfortable. I was stubborn and do not recommend that path.

JTF, I can't imagine what you're going through. Just know I got ya in my thoughts and prayers.

Kerry, as a few others have said, I have also been through this and I know it's something that's not easy to tell others about. Thank you for feeling that you can share this with us. There is little that we can do other than be here for you if you want to let out some emotions that you can't tell others.

I just want to say thank you to every one who viewed this thread, left a reply, or sent me a PM. It means a lot to me. I think just sharing this helped me sleep last night for the first time in a week. Maybe today I can eat some food. :).

So sorry to hear this. I went through a bad breakup of a years-long relationship and it was the hardest thing I've experienced, so I can't imagine what you're going through. Best wishes friend.

I just want to say thank you to every one who viewed this thread, left a reply, or sent me a PM. It means a lot to me. I think just sharing this helped me sleep last night for the first time in a week. Maybe today I can eat some food. :).

Definitely eat some food..... Unless you need to lose weight..... I lost 100+ lbs going through my divorce but I needed to lose it anyway. I just used the pent up anger and frustration from the divorce to motivate me. ;+)

I just want to say thank you to every one who viewed this thread, left a reply, or sent me a PM. It means a lot to me. I think just sharing this helped me sleep last night for the first time in a week. Maybe today I can eat some food. :).

I have something for you--(no . . . it's not a recipe for a DIY Dinner)--that I hope might be helpful. I'm fairly sure that the PM system in here doesn't have room for it. However, "the work around" might be a PM from your direction regarding an alternative way to deliver it (perhaps an email address? post office box?).

Of course, you would have to trust that it won't be Spam.
(I despise Spam or anything even remotely related to it.)

I'd simply post it now, except for the fact that it's a bit wordy.
(and there is a little bit of so-called "religious" stuff involved)

Glad you are beginning to feel a bit better.

Twenty years is a long time for a "starter" marriage.

As you ponder what to be thankful for, consider, nobody died. (baby steps)

I'm sorry you're at this place.

While I cannot relate fully to this, I have never had a divorce.

I went thru a pretty rough breakup several years ago that I still think about every day. I can empathize with you on how much of a blow to the gut it is though, I remember I went for 2 days with literally no food or sleep. It sucks. You are shell shocked. But this initial shock stage will pass soon.

Things will get better and you are in my thoughts. Hopefully we can have a get together when you are in town!

M

First let me say thank you to everyone for your prayer and support. It has meant more than you can ever know over the last few months. Unfortunately at 5AM this morning we agreed to call it quits. I did everything I knew to do to save my marriage but in the end it turns out she has been having an affair which I uncover painful layer by painful layer. The affair didn't lead to the collapse of the marriage but a slowly dying marriage did lead to the affair. It has been a slow and painful process and I gave my wife every benefit of the doubt along the way. At least I can hold my head up and say that I gave it my all and didn't leave any of it on the field (to use a football term).

Kerry

q7yCLn-O-Y0

I sure am sorry. Now, give yourself time to heal. This, too, shall pass.

I'm so sorry, JTF. Just no words. I'm sorry I missed this thread from when you started it.

I think all of us, in the midst of posting our own little slices of wisdom here, forget that behind each post is a real life, with real joys and real heartaches in between presses of the "Reply to Thread" button.

Heartfelt prayers to you, sir.

Sorry to hear this and things will start to get better for you. I'm divorced and one of the things that's been nice is my ex and I were able to remain friends. I don't know if this is possible but it does help. Hang in there and there is life after divorce.

I have a close friend who is going through a divorce as well and we share our pain. She often wondered if it would have been easier on her if her husband an affair so then she could be mad him. I told her my experience has been that it made it worse. Not only do I have the pain of the divorce but now the betrayal as well - and here in Florida SHE will get primary custody of the children. Go figure.

Sorry you're having to deal with all of this, Kerry. I'll keep you in my thoughts man.

Kerry,

There are no words, especially after 21 years and two boys.

May the ensuing time of unrest be short-lived. I hope for the best possible outcome of an extremely crappy situation.

As I may have said previously, the toughest part of this sort of situation to recover from is the "Death of Trust" . . .
The Emotional Toll of The Divorce takes about two years to stop hurting.
The other part, the full recovery, took me twelve years.

Still . . . as someone indicated, above . . . Life Does Go On.

God Bless You, Amigo.

Stay strong and remember to be someone your children can look up to through this. Keep them out of the fray and the dirty laundry. Make sure they understand it's not their fault and really, no one's fault. We all grow and change throughout life and "growing apart" sometimes happens despite our best intentions. In the end, the important thing is maintaining a great relationship with your children so you will have them as family your entire life.

I don't know the age of your boys, JTF, but please keep them in the loop. But keep them out of whatever crossfire is going to ensue over the coming months.

As a teenager, I was dragged into the middle of brokering my parents' breakup after my dad left. Literally on the phone, brokering it. I thought I was doing a good thing at the time, but in retrospect I realize now I had no business being in the middle of that. It was horrendous.

I know its impossible to keep the kids out, but to the extent you possibly can, insulate them from what's going on with you and their mom.

JTF,
Sorry that things didn't work out. SoonerDave's comments about the children are excellent. When I was five, my parents divorced and I will always appreciate the fact that neither parent ever spoke badly about the other around me, my sister or my brother.
C. T.

Trust is hard to get back. Try to remember that not every woman will cheat AND that being deceived doesn't mean you lack judgment. It likely means nothing more than that you chose to give her the benefit of the doubts you had.

I wish I could say that the kids have been shielded but on several occasions they haven't been. One of the problems is that she invited her 'friend' to go along on outings that she told me were bonding time for her and the boys. Of course, when I found out about that the kids were present and I wasn't nice about it. Likewise, at other times I found things in the middle of the night and woke her to ask her to explain. Of course, it doesn't take long for the kids to wake up. If she had been honest up front when I first confronted her about it there wouldn't have been the slow discovery of information and it might have been easier to handle, but it wasn't, I found it piece by piece and she just continued the denials.

As for saying bad things about her in front the kids - she IS a bad person (it pains me to say that but sooner or later I have to face reality I guess). She didn't used to always be this way but she is now.

Trust is hard to get back. Try to remember that not every woman will cheat AND that being deceived doesn't mean you lack judgment. It likely means nothing more than that you chose to give her the benefit of the doubts you had.

I have watched this whole episode unfold like a car accident. I keep replaying every event asking myself what I could have done different to avoid it. Should I have been in the other lane, should I have been going fast, slower, on a different street, driving a different car, etc.... Then I realized it was more like the old man in Groundhog Day. I could get 1000 shots at a do over and it doesn't matter - the old man dies every single time.

That sucks, man. Been there, done that, lost the t-shirt to her vicious b****rd of a lawyer. I can't really add much to what's been posted. It does smooth out (I'm going on 7 years out from the end of my 20 year marriage) and it still bothers me (and I"m the one who left, no infidelity involved...just that perennial 'grew apart' thing).

It's like having a root canal without anesthesia except they go in through your ass with the drill and pliers. Hurts like hell for a very long time, then one day, almost without realizing it, you realize "hey, I lived!?? What happened? It WASN"T the first or second or third thing I thought of as soon as my eyes opened! I might survive this after all."

It can have a very vicious, ugly side, and your lawyer needs to be three times as good as your therapist, at least.

I will caution that you should be very careful of social media of all kinds. You haven't really said anything too ugly in here, but you can bet your ass that her lawyer (and she'll have one), will follow your online trails down to the last electron, and it's scary how easy it is. (On a semi-related note, I have reduced my time over here by 60 percent and my posting by 90% because someone walked in my office one day at work and said "you're that Slayton guy, right?" I had posted something on a thread asking about the source of a photograph I had seen at work. He remembered the pic, that instantly narrowed down where I worked, then he searched my other posts and cross referenced it with our internal directory, and voila!. )

It was totally innocuous on his part and I know the guy, but that was a huge bucket of cold water to the crotch as far to online posting activities go.

Good luck. It sucks. There's no way to make it not suck. It hurts. You can't make it not hurt. The good news is, even now, you're in recovery and each day it sucks and hurts a little less. Think of it as a mathematical limit..it approaches zero but never gets there. The hurt and suck, that is.

I would echo the above advice regarding posting about this via social media.

Sorry man. I missed this when you first posted it. When Panda and I met you at Coney Island that day he mentioned it, and I had no idea what he was talking about. Just saw the story today. There's nothing I can say that's going to help, so just know that my prayers are with you.