View Full Version : Unfaithfulness



Faith
06-21-2005, 12:22 PM
Opinions Wanted Please..............I read a recent post on here about break-ups. It seems that there was an agreed opinion that knowing the reason why someone broke up with you may help you in the future. My question is, what if the reason you received (from a break-up, or in my case cheating) had nothing to do with you. What if the answer you received was you are a wonderful person that I am in love very much with and there isn't anything I would change about you, and the reason why I cheated was because I have issue's with myself and have an alcohol and partying addiction. How is that to "help you in the future". Or does that sound like a BS answer, or is it at all a realistic response.

mranderson
06-21-2005, 12:54 PM
It could be honest. It would be a flag that says I shoud say "good by loser."

I recently was dumped by a woman who failed to tell me before our first date that she had split with her fiancee six weeks before we met (I knew about him , but had no idea what "just" meant), and that she wanted to date other men. She waited until the day after our first date. This caused a major communication breakdown.

She acted like all was wonderful with us, she talked a lot, we found things we enjoyed, had nice times. Then she suddenly makes excuses not to go out, and even changed one of them mid stream. Then she tells me she chose another guy because "o our first date, it was like we knew each other for years." And "we have a lot in common." Humm. What am I. Chopped liver?

This does not add up. I need to know if I need improvement in an area. Only women I have dated can tell me that. They don't realize not telling the truth hurts more.

I will continue to say this until these people get the message or until my dying breath.:fighting2 :fighting3

BricktownGuy
06-21-2005, 10:31 PM
It could be honest.

But, him saying that his alcohol and partying addiction made him cheat does not really make sense to me.

ok, maybe he did have a alcohol and partying addiction. But, I do not understand how this problem lead him to cheat. If he had said this alcohol and partying addiction, lead him to be broke all the time, I can understand that.

Without knowing how this problem lead him to cheat, I cannot really tell if he is truthful or full of BS.

Karried
06-22-2005, 02:13 PM
Maybe it can help in the future by realizing that this type of person can't control himself while on drugs and alcohol and you should steer clear of future relationships where this is a problem... drugs and alcohol lower inhibitions and make people act in deplorable ways. It probably didn't have much to do with you, he got high, got horny and acted on it... probably not even thinking of you at the time. He's the culprit, nothing you could have done most likely.

Although people don't usually run around wearing a blinking button ADDICT ... (hard to tell until you've fallen for them and even then you think you might change them) but even after one bad party episode you might explore if this person has a problem with addiction and break it off before it gets worse.

Faith
06-22-2005, 02:53 PM
There wasn't any drugs involved. We have been married for 6 years now with two children. But I am almost completely believe right now that he does love me but he will never change. It is clear to see that he will choose time with his friends and the attention he gets from partying over spending time with his children and wife. I do believe maybe what he told me about me, wasn't all BS. It is more a problem with himself that he doesn't take any action to control. It took me to take a step back from our marriage to realize what was going on and how life should and shouldn't be. I have given him chance after chance, and he eventually goes back to the way he was. Thank you for all your replies and opinions to my question.

Karried
06-22-2005, 03:18 PM
That's sad when there are children involved - ahhh alcohol - ruins many lives.. Can you locate a Al-Anon meeting and attend one? It will help you understand that it's not you - it 's his disease, not yours. You are not to blame for him cheating - no matter how bad, he made a vow with you, and should have honored that.

I would tell him to chooose to attend AA and counseling or lose his wife and children.

Hang in there, it's a hard thing to go through.

Faith
06-22-2005, 03:29 PM
No I haven't looked in to that. I guess I can search on the internet to find the AA counseling. Yes alcohol does ruin many lives and many families. It is very sad. He is faithful to his job but other than that for this year it has been on big party after another for him and his alcohol friends. We have lived seperately for 4 months now. Our newborn doesn't even know him and our 5 year old went from seeing him everyday to maybe a couple of hours a week. Anyways I will look into the counseling to help me understand and also find where he can go and see if it is a priority in his life for him to attend as well.

dirtrider73068
06-22-2005, 06:21 PM
I know how the cheating feels I got kinda the same story. I have been fight my battle since last august. First told me it was my fault I should have shown mor attetoin to her then it was I gave her enough, she has been moved out since september. But because of it I had a breakdown was severe depressed almost killing myself but am better now sometimes I am strong then others I weak and want to hide. She keeps claiming she still wants me but has shown nothing to prove that she does. She won't even hold me but gives me a kiss and a hug her and there. He could have been serious but if he has a problem with his drinking then there is the reason, if doesn't show any sign of takeing care of the problem then he may have to be given a choice of either the drinking or the family. I have tried that on mine and no luck didn't matter, she pretty much showed that she rather chose her lover than me and the kids. Anymore I don't know what to do but give up and say the hell with it. Anytime I try to meet someone she gets jealous and mad like I can't have anybody but she can have whoever. Hope you can get your family back together adn get his problem resolved I have tried so much I just give up trying anything.

Curt
06-22-2005, 08:17 PM
His love for you, should have over ridden his need for the partying. People do change, but how long are you willing to wait? I'd have to say this, if it was not for the children, dump his ass right now, guys like that need to be shown the door.

Faith
06-22-2005, 08:19 PM
Please don't give up.... Your children need you more than ever since she won't step up to the plate and be the mother she should be. I firmly believe that actions speak much louder than words or tears.

It is kind of strange how similiar your situation sounds to mine. He does try to show me alot of attention when he is around once or twice a week and calls everyday. He is very jealous. I almost think sometimes he just tells me what I want to here because he doesn't want me to talk to anyone or go out with friends. I have even been told by some of our mutual friends that he has basically said he is allowed to do whatever he wants to but I better not talk to anyone. I am smart enough to know I don't have to put up with this. But I do wish the best for us, whatever that may be. He shows in more than one way that his friends and partying is more important in his life then his children and wife.

Karried
06-22-2005, 08:33 PM
But addiction can be much much stronger than love, reasoning, logic.... it is a disease, people lose everything but that doesn't matter to them as long as they get their fix or alcohol....

no one can blame themselves when that takes over.. it's the problem of the addict. Not the partner of the addict.

Faith
06-22-2005, 08:40 PM
Very true... I think the best thing for me to do is just move to Colorado or Texas. To start over with my life and get away from all this mess that has been created. If he truly loved us and wanted to be with us then he would leave his "friends" and partying and follow. If not, than it would be his loss. I know that sounds like I would be running from my problems.. and in a way I would be.. but it really looks like the best option for me right now.

Curt
06-22-2005, 08:44 PM
Whatever you do, I wish you the best.

dirtrider73068
06-22-2005, 09:04 PM
I am here for my kids I pretty much told her I am taking care of them now so they stay with me at night adn weekends during the day while I work she has them. She has told me that same story tells me what I want to hear and thats it. I think she does stuff to keep me happy to keep me around, if she really truely loves me she would have told him to get lost and come back to me to fix her sorry and screw up but she hasn't done it. I am at the point of tired of waiting for her to come back. Its almost at that point I don't want her back that feeling of love from her is not there anymore, I get the feeling or vibe from her she doesn't wasn't want me even though she say she does.
Okcgoddess-maybe we should get together and compare storys, or least we can have each other to talk to. i have been with this woman for 6 years married for 4 and at the very begining we both agreed and swore that we would not put up with cheating and she does this to me. I don't know what else to do have nobody to turn to or talk to. Atthis point I don't care if she gets jealous if she can do what she wants so can I. There is alot more to the story almost too much to type, hell I could even right a book on this whole soap opera and make millions :)
The way I have always seen it if your not happy in the realationship get out and find the happyness, move on and forget the past.

Leon
06-22-2005, 09:08 PM
Opinions Wanted Please..............I read a recent post on here about break-ups. It seems that there was an agreed opinion that knowing the reason why someone broke up with you may help you in the future. My question is, what if the reason you received (from a break-up, or in my case cheating) had nothing to do with you. What if the answer you received was you are a wonderful person that I am in love very much with and there isn't anything I would change about you, and the reason why I cheated was because I have issue's with myself and have an alcohol and partying addiction. How is that to "help you in the future". Or does that sound like a BS answer, or is it at all a realistic response.


If I'd seen this yesterday I would've responded yesterday.....remember, alchohol doesn't drop your guard, it drops your resolve to control yourself.....alchohol allows the true person to show him or herself. If the person cheats or chases sex when tipsy, then that's their true desire when sober.

Curt
06-22-2005, 09:10 PM
If I'd seen this yesterday I would've responded yesterday.....remember, alchohol doesn't drop your guard, it drops your resolve to control yourself.....alchohol allows the true person to show him or herself. If the person cheats or chases sex when tipsy, then that's their true desire when sober.
I agree, kinda like a truth serum.

Leon
06-22-2005, 09:17 PM
That's sad when there are children involved - ahhh alcohol - ruins many lives.. Can you locate a Al-Anon meeting and attend one? It will help you understand that it's not you - it 's his disease, not yours. You are not to blame for him cheating - no matter how bad, he made a vow with you, and should have honored that.

I would tell him to chooose to attend AA and counseling or lose his wife and children.

Hang in there, it's a hard thing to go through.

Karrie, girl, my opinion......the alchohol abuse is probably a result of the desire to cheat, not the other way around......the alchohol is used to express what's already there. The alchohol is a symptom....she needs to discover the route cause.

Faith
06-22-2005, 09:19 PM
I don't completely agree with that. Don't you think that alot of people can do things out of their character when drunk? I've never heard it put that way before. I have acted out of my character before ( NEVER CHEATING OR ANYTHING LIKE THAT!), when under the influence, however looking back I don't believe at all that it was my true desire.. But maybe to some people it is. I wouldn't know..

dirtrider73068
06-22-2005, 09:22 PM
okcgoddess-
Clear you pm box its telling me its full so i can send ya pm. :)

Leon
06-22-2005, 09:24 PM
Goddess, you are right....people do act out of character when drunk, most people....but most people don't get drunk regularly.....but for people who get drunk on a regular basis, that IS their character.

dirtrider73068
06-22-2005, 09:27 PM
But the after math of being drunk of being told you cheated you know it was wrong adn think dang that was not good. But to do it over and over and drink all the time. I have been drunk many times and cheating has never crossed my mind I was too wasted to even consider it.

Leon
06-22-2005, 09:33 PM
When I've been drinking without my girl, she's ALWAYS been on my mind, being drunk wouldn't do it. And if the third party approached me.....that's time to go to bed....alone....leave.

BricktownGuy
06-22-2005, 09:47 PM
Just my opinion:

I do not think you have to move out of state in order to move on with your life. You simply have to slowly and gradually move on. It takes time to do that, I know. I would myself stay around and in maybe 2-3 years time, you are still around to show him.... "Look at how success I am now. I made it off very well without you."

Again, just my opinion. Am I right? maybe........ maybe not.. just something to think about. :)

Faith
06-23-2005, 08:11 AM
Thanks everyone for your thoughts. Bricktownguy I do make it just fine without him. I am a very independent person and always have been. Thats why it was so easy for me to send him on his way in the first place because I know that no matter what I will be okay! I know that I will be successful where ever I go but I guess the out of state move seems fun and interesting at the same time. I would eventually come back to Oklahoma but what would it hurt to try something new?

Karried
06-23-2005, 11:37 AM
Leon, you make an interesting point .... but I think most men have a strong sexual desire and alcohol can allow men to do things that they wouldn't have the courage to do without being drunk.

I can't really say what comes first, the chicken or the egg?

Did he cheat because he has it in his character and the alcohol 'allowed' him to lower his resolve or did he cheat because he was drunk and was too out of it to even think straight ( poor girl if that's the case).

Or did he not even have a resolve to be lowered and is just a dog?
Or would he have cheated drunk or not?

Regardless, he cheated, he has an alcohol problem and okcgoddess was smart and independent enough to kick his butt to the curb - good girl.

Curt
06-23-2005, 11:44 AM
Leon, you make an interesting point .... but I think most men have a strong sexual desire and alcohol can allow men to do things that they wouldn't have the courage to do without being drunk.

I can't really say what comes first, the chicken or the egg?

Did he cheat because he has it in his character and the alcohol 'allowed' him to lower his resolve or did he cheat because he was drunk and was too out of it to even think straight ( poor girl if that's the case).

Or did he not even have a resolve to be lowered and is just a dog?
Or would he have cheated drunk or not?

Regardless, he cheated, he has an alcohol problem and okcgoddess was smart and independent enough to kick his butt to the curb - good girl.
Right on Karrie. Most men are pigs and dont give a damn about a womans feelings as long as they get their nuts off. Ruins it for us guys who do care.

Faith
06-23-2005, 01:38 PM
I believe its b/c his character allowed him to do it whether he was intoxicated or not. His character is very self-absorbed and addicted to attention of all kinds. We all like attention but I believe if you truly love someone you would go to all measures not to hurt that person.

Faith
06-23-2005, 01:39 PM
He also blames his actions on his depression disorder.

BricktownGuy
06-23-2005, 01:42 PM
Naw, it won't hurt to try something new.

I just thought u wanted to leave, cause he would still be around the area in which u work or live here in Oklahoma.

See what happens, whatever you end up deciding in the end. :)

dirtrider73068
06-23-2005, 02:04 PM
Blameing his depression order on his actions is a easy out, when i was down low I thought of doing hte same thing just because I was fixed adn wasn't getting what I wanted but I also thought a minute and stetpped back know the results that would follow. Though on the other hand mine didn't and she is in a bad spot becuase she didn't stop to think or the results she acted on her feelings and she screwed up. To me it seems he acted on his feelings being drunk had nothing to do with it, i bet if he is sober he would do the same thing.

Alot of bad guys mess it up for a us good guys, I like to keep my lady happy any way I can no matter what. I respect my woman and always have and always will, but I don't understand cause I did that mine had to go cheat to get more rather than comeing to me saying I want more or I want to do this instead.
Because of it I can't hardly trust anybody, let alone any woman I am around. It also lowers one's self essteem and self confindence, and in my case lowered my feeling of being able to make another woman happy, feels that I won't ever be able to make a woman happy in anything.

Curt
06-23-2005, 02:43 PM
We all like attention but I believe if you truly love someone you would go to all measures not to hurt that person.
So true

Leon
07-04-2005, 11:29 PM
OKC, I'm sorry, but the fact is that there wasn't love there....not in both directions anyway. It's been said here earlier that if one truely loved another they WILL NOT hurt them. I believe that.....It's very easy NOT to hurt those you love.....It's hard TO hurt them. If you were to force feed alcohol or drugs to a truly devout Christian, they still would not desire another woman.

Think about it....could alcohol or drugs ever coerce you into beating your children, robbing a bank, or killing......addictions do this kinda stuff but only to get more of what one's addicted to.....Alcohol addiction.....I doubt the infidelity got him more alcohol.

travich
07-05-2005, 12:28 PM
Cheating sucks. It's easy to cheat though...

dirtrider73068
07-05-2005, 03:04 PM
Yea cheating sucks.....I had this happen to me adn still fighting the problem being a year in aug. And because of it I can't trust anybody even my closest friends and family.