View Full Version : After the breakup



Ms.Relaxationstation
06-20-2005, 09:28 AM
I'm curious to know what you all do after you have broken up or been dumped by that special someone in your life. Do you cry all the time, stop eating, or immediately on the prowl for your next love? Lemme know your thoughts.

pilar5422
06-20-2005, 10:53 AM
I think that depends on whether you are the breaker or the breakee. If it's someone I broke up with then I move on pretty easily (after all, there was a reason I broke up with the person). If I'm the breakee, then I handle it badly for a few days until I talk myself out of it. It's usually in the form of eating very little and I have to shut down from talking to co-workers and stuff too much for fear of breaking into tears.

Rejection is hard to deal with and I think it's one of those things that gets more and more difficult the more it happens.

But, I'm happily married now, so I haven't had to worry about that in many moons.

mranderson
06-20-2005, 11:04 AM
When I get dumped, I talk to friends about it. It is a grief process as if someone has died. I will anylize the situation (I have been told I over anylize... I wonder who tells me that?). I do this for two reasons. Most people will not tell the dumpee why they are being dumped. These people think they will hurt someones feelings, but fail to think about how it feels to be dumped and not told why, or that it hurts more not to know a truthful reason. There is ALWAYS a reason.

Knowing that reason may help in the future.

When I am in this situation or in a situation where I end it (I tell them why), I then take a short breather usually, then find someone else. The last breather was less than 24 hours.

j2244
06-20-2005, 03:42 PM
Well relax to be honest I cry every time I see my exwife. But you see I have a love for her now that i never had during our thirteen years together. As for the eating part I lost 65 pounds after we devorced, but I was to thin so I have gained 20 pounds back and I feel great. And as for another love I tried to move on but I could not give up on my ex. And it is probably a good thing because now after being devorced a year and a half, we are talking about a whole new life together. Anyway those are my thoughts. So never ever give up on true love.

tomokc
06-20-2005, 07:51 PM
When you find yourself alone in the water, grab for every life ring that's floating nearby. Close friends, church, books, shrinks, DivorceCare (national, Christian-based program, but I don't see why an unmarried person couldn't participate), anti-depressants, working out, journaling, but most of all, time. Good luck!

Curt
06-20-2005, 09:12 PM
Like Mr. Anderson said, I tend to over anylize and it drives me nuts, as well as the women I have had. I just want the truth, and this last one cant give me a good reason, says it is all my fault, even though she was the one who saw another guy, I forgave her many times, last time I blew, and she says it is my faultand that she can no longer be friends even. It will bother me until I find someone else, but I do need someone, I want her back but that may not be an option.

osupa05
06-20-2005, 09:29 PM
Why didn't I get the "not want to eat status post break-up" gene... I think that only happened to me once (maybe it's a sign that my heart's only been really broken one time)! Otherwise.. I believe I am what Oprah would call an "emtional eater"! Little does she know that I don't have to be "emotional" to eat!

I guess the good news is that my last 10 or so "relationships" didn't last long enough to become all that serious.. so bouncing back (when I was the one being dumped) was relatively easy... not fun.. but the hurt part was over pretty soon... I guess that's the good thing about not being in a serious relationship.. hurts less when it ends!

Intrepid
06-26-2005, 09:56 AM
All of the above for me.

My wife and I just recently separated and it has totally devasted me. I knew we had problems (financial, less communication, etc), but I never thought I'd ever hear her say she wasn't in love with me anymore and that she wanted to separate.

There are moments where I realize that I need to give things time, but these are far and few. Most of the time, I'm thinking about life without her and not living in the same house as her and my daughter.

As for going on the prowl, the thought has crossed my mind, but then I feel like I'd be cheating and might ruin any chances of reconciliation. On the other hand, I hate being alone. 12 yrs (8 married) of companionship are suddenly gone.



I'm curious to know what you all do after you have broken up or been dumped by that special someone in your life. Do you cry all the time, stop eating, or immediately on the prowl for your next love? Lemme know your thoughts.

Karried
06-26-2005, 10:16 AM
Intrepid, many people fall out of love while married.....in fact I would venture to say almost every relationship has highs and lows, peaks of emotion and lows of apathy and nearly everyone has thought 'I've fallen out of love or I don't love him/her like I used to'.

It doesn't necessarily mean it is over though.

That first feeling of giddy infatuation is what people start to miss when things get stagnant and boring. They automatically think they have fallen out of love and want to look for this feeling with someone else. Guess what happens when that relationship runs the same cycle? Same thing.

But you have a child and your wife might want to consider what it does to the family.

If your wife is willing, do everything in your power to get some counseling and help from an outside professional.

In the meantime, get yourself in the best shape mentally, physically and emotionally so if you have a chance to get back together you will be in the best frame of mind and ready for it. Get out there and walk around Lake Hefner, bicycle, go to the library and get some books on relationships, talk to a counselor yourself if she won't, call all of your friends ( not too many personal details because if you get back together, that's always awkward. Take care of yourself and give yourself some time, you really don't know what the future holds so think positive and hang in there.

dkaye2005
06-26-2005, 10:41 AM
I agree entirely with Karried. Intrepid, I was married for 6 years to a man that showed me very little attention. I gave him that same speech, " I've fallen out of love and I don't feel like a team anymore, etc." Nothing at that time could have changed my mind, however, a year later, I started to see that I was being far too demanding and I could have tried other ways of making our marriage work, but in that year, he let himself go, his house go, started dating a girl that looked like she was on some strong drugs, etc. At that point, I just didn't feel like he was right for me, even though he would not have done anything different if I had never left. He never ask me back or made any effort to show that he was as strong minded as myself.

If you love her and hope that things will go back to normal, then be a good prospect for a husband all over again. Once she gets out there in the dating scene, she may come running back home at a whopping 150 mph and see that she missed you. If she doesn't, then at least you will be standing tall, proud, able to impress your daughter throughout her life and be able to love again.

Intrepid
06-26-2005, 11:48 AM
Thanks for the words of wisdom....they are appreciated.

I am seeing a counselor once a week, which my employer is thankfully paying for. I have 3 more "free" sessions, and then things will be reevaluated. My wife, at least at this point, says that she does not want to go to counseling. She just wants me to let her go. Deep down, I do believe that she still has feelings for me. I just think that she was just unhappy on how our lives were progressing that she just turned off all of the compassion she once had. I could be wrong however.

Like I stated previously, in my more lucid moments, I realize what needs to be done and what I need to do for myself. I just am finding it extremely hard to deal with and actually implement what needs to be done.

As for the child, she's 7, and amazingly seems ok with this. Now I realize that kids won't always come out and say what they are feeling, but knowing how my daughter is, I believe she truly is ok. And you know, I'm not so sure that I'm ok with her being ok. =) Don't get me wrong, I don't want her an emotional wreck or have any ill feelings about her parents. But at the same, I feel that kids shouldn't have to understand things like this. I know, I know....that's naive on my part and I'm living in a fantasy world.

I am glad that I have found this place. I've been looking for an outlet for awhile now. My counselor even says that I should keep a journal or something of the sort. Well, I'm not really into journals. I'm a 'net person, so being online and talking helps me. I appreciate everyone's input. I've read a lot posts, and can truly see that there is a good bunch of people on here.



Intrepid, many people fall out of love while married.....in fact I would venture to say almost every relationship has highs and lows, peaks of emotion and lows of apathy and nearly everyone has thought 'I've fallen out of love or I don't love him/her like I used to'.

It doesn't necessarily mean it is over though.

That first feeling of giddy infatuation is what people start to miss when things get stagnant and boring. They automatically think they have fallen out of love and want to look for this feeling with someone else. Guess what happens when that relationship runs the same cycle? Same thing.

But you have a child and your wife might want to consider what it does to the family.

If your wife is willing, do everything in your power to get some counseling and help from an outside professional.

In the meantime, get yourself in the best shape mentally, physically and emotionally so if you have a chance to get back together you will be in the best frame of mind and ready for it. Get out there and walk around Lake Hefner, bicycle, go to the library and get some books on relationships, talk to a counselor yourself if she won't, call all of your friends ( not too many personal details because if you get back together, that's always awkward. Take care of yourself and give yourself some time, you really don't know what the future holds so think positive and hang in there.

Intrepid
06-26-2005, 11:52 AM
Thanks Dkaye...

I am trying to pull myself together and focus on the things that I need to do to get better. Like I mentioned to Karried, I'm in counseling and have even been put on Zoloft. So far, the mediciation doesn't seem to be working, but I was told that in some cases it can take up to 8 weeks. I go back and see my dr. in two weeks for a check up. Hopefully the meds will kick in by then and she won't have to change anything.





I agree entirely with Karried. Intrepid, I was married for 6 years to a man that showed me very little attention. I gave him that same speech, " I've fallen out of love and I don't feel like a team anymore, etc." Nothing at that time could have changed my mind, however, a year later, I started to see that I was being far too demanding and I could have tried other ways of making our marriage work, but in that year, he let himself go, his house go, started dating a girl that looked like she was on some strong drugs, etc. At that point, I just didn't feel like he was right for me, even though he would not have done anything different if I had never left. He never ask me back or made any effort to show that he was as strong minded as myself.

If you love her and hope that things will go back to normal, then be a good prospect for a husband all over again. Once she gets out there in the dating scene, she may come running back home at a whopping 150 mph and see that she missed you. If she doesn't, then at least you will be standing tall, proud, able to impress your daughter throughout her life and be able to love again.

osupa05
06-26-2005, 12:55 PM
Yeah... SSRI's (zoloft) take time to work for the most part. They inhibit or block the receptors that break up serotonin, which is neurotransmitter (brain hormone). Over time you will have an increase in serotonin (which helps among other things regulate mood). All of this you were probably told by your doc. I guess my point is to just give it some more time! And, if it doesn't for some reason work, there are other pharmacological actions! Hang in there!

Intrepid
06-26-2005, 08:57 PM
Thanks osupa05. I am trying to hang in there. Part of my problem is that I'm impatient. So when something doesn't happen quickly enough, I get frustrated.

I had a better day today, and hopefully tomorrow will be better. I'm just tired, and tired of the mood swings.

Curt
06-26-2005, 09:02 PM
People just dont understand the pain they cause someone when they break up with them, so goddamn cold hearted.

Leon
06-26-2005, 11:37 PM
I was on zoloft for a while.....prescribed to regulate my heartbeat, not depression. It had a few side effects....one was, I lasted FOREVER....mercy! The lover loved it. :) Still have some just in case I ever get a chance to use it. :)

Intrepid
06-27-2005, 03:31 PM
I was on zoloft for a while.....prescribed to regulate my heartbeat, not depression. It had a few side effects....one was, I lasted FOREVER....mercy! The lover loved it. :) Still have some just in case I ever get a chance to use it. :)

Well, that is certainly encouraging news. Unfortunately, it might be awhile to test out that particular side effect. =)

Leon
06-27-2005, 11:23 PM
No kiddin'! I'd be exhausted before.... :) ya know

Sorry, gonna hog it all for myself. :)

Leon
07-09-2005, 09:56 AM
Intrepid, I can sympathize....Life is soooo complicated.

My "After the breakup" words of wisdom: Find something to do with the extra time you now have and find it fast!!! Otherwise you'll dwell on it and it'll hurt much more. I wish I had learned that years ago.

Curt
07-09-2005, 09:57 AM
My "After the breakup" words of wisdom: Find something to do with the extra time you now have and find it fast!!! Otherwise you'll dwell on it and it'll hurt much more. I wish I had learned that years ago.
Me too. Think I'll just move far away from this place.

soonerock
10-24-2006, 12:16 PM
Well, Ms. Relaxationstation...we know what you would do...lol