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Midtowner
03-07-2005, 07:59 PM
Two men were changing in the locker room at the local fitness center. Steven observes that his friend Calvin is wearing women's underwear. He asks him, "Calvin, I didn't know you wore women's underwear, when did you start doing that?"

Calvin replies, "I started when my wife found these in the glove box of my car."

Karried
03-07-2005, 08:34 PM
The Blond Guy

An Irishman, a Mexican and a blond guy were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building. They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, "Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch I'm going to jump off this building"

The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time I'm going to jump off, too."

The blond opened his lunch and said, "Bologna again. If I get a bologna sandwich one more time I'm jumping too."

The next day the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned beef and cabbage and jumped to his death.

The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a burrito and jumped too.

The blond opened his lunch, saw the bologna and jumped to his death as well.

At the funeral the Irishman's wife was weeping. She said, "If I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage I never would have given it to him again!"

The Mexican's wife also wept and said, "I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much.

"Everyone turned and stared at the blond's wife.

............are you ready for it?....................



"Hey, don't look at me," she said, "He makes his own lunch."

Karried
03-07-2005, 09:08 PM
Canniball Joke

Q: What does a canniball do after he dumps his girlfriend?

A: He wipes his butt.

Karried
03-07-2005, 09:32 PM
A Likely Story

A man bought a new BMW and was out on the interstate for a nice evening drive. The top was down and the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair, and he decided to open her up.

As the needle jumped to 80 mph, he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind him.


"There's no way they can catch a BMW," he thought to himself and opened her up further. The needle hit 90, 100 . . . then the reality of the situation hit him. "What the heck am I doing?" he thought, and pulled over.


The officer came up to him, took his license without a word, and examined it and the car. "It's been a long day, this is the end of my shift and it's Friday the 13th. I don't feel like more paperwork, so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before, you can go."


The guy thinks for a second and says, "Last week my wife ran off with a cop. I was afraid you were trying to give her back."


"Have a nice weekend," said the officer.

El Gato Pollo Loco!!!
03-07-2005, 11:00 PM
Two men walk into a bar...the third one ducks...

mranderson
03-08-2005, 06:43 AM
What do you call the typical Oklahoma City driver?

Answer: Slower than a snail overdosed on valium.

Keith
03-08-2005, 05:17 PM
Two men walk into a bar...the third one ducks...

Ok, ok...if you are going to tell a joke, you gotta tell the whole thing....or did you forget the punch line?:LolLolLol


Ok, let me try this one...


And we thought Alabama stories were something!!!!

This happened about a month ago just outside of Cocodrie, a little

town in the bayou country of Louisiana, and while it sounds like an
Alfred Hitchcock tale, it's real.

This out of state traveler was on the side of the road, hitchhiking

on a real dark night in the middle of a thunderstorm. Time passed

slowly and no cars went by.

It was raining so hard he could hardly see his hand in front of his

face. Suddenly he saw a car moving slowly, approaching and appearing

ghostlike in the rain. It slowly and silently crept toward him and

stopped.

Wanting a ride real bad the guy jumped into the car and closed the

door; only then did he realize that there was nobody behind the

wheel, and no sound of an engine to be heard over the rain.


Again the car crept slowly forward and the guy was terrified, too
scared to think of jumping out and running. The guy saw that the car

was approaching a sharp curve and, still too scared to jump out, he

started to pray and begging for his life; he was sure the ghost car

would go off the road and in the bayou and he would surely drown!



But just before the curve a shadowy figure appeared at the driver's

window and a hand reached in and turned the steering wheel, guiding

the car safely around the bend.



Then, just as silently, the hand disappeared through the window and the hitchhiker
was alone again!


Paralyzed with fear, the guy watched the hand reappear every time

they reached a curve. Finally the guy, scared to near death, had all

he could take and jumped out of the car and ran to town.



Wet and in shock, he went into a bar and voice quavering, ordered

two shots of whiskey, then told everybody about his supernatural

experience.



A silence enveloped and everybody got goose bumps when they realized

the guy was telling the truth (and not just some drunk).


About half an hour later two guys walked into the bar and one says
to the other, "Look Boudreaux, ders dat idiot that rode in our car

when we wuz pushin' it in the rain."


http://www.okctalk.com/images/Smailies%2001-28-08/tweeted.gif http://www.okctalk.com/images/Smailies%2001-28-08/tweeted.gif

MasterWolf
03-08-2005, 06:21 PM
Looking back on photos

The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture. "Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer; she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, he's a doctor.'"

A small voice from the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher; she's still old, nasty, and wrinkled"

Karried
03-08-2005, 06:45 PM
Alright, I'm blonde, but someone please explain El Gato Pollo Loco's Joke to me please..... :surrender I can't figure it out.

Keith
03-08-2005, 06:57 PM
Alright, I'm blonde, but someone please explain El Gato Pollo Loco's Joke to me please..... :surrender I can't figure it out.

Two men walk in to a bar(not a drinking establishment type bar, but a bar...like a pole that is long and hurts when you run in to it).....the third one ducks(so, he doesn't run into the bar and get hurt, too)
:LolLolLol

Karried
03-08-2005, 08:23 PM
I knew I would feel stupid when I got the answer.

That just tells you where my mind is... alcohol.

I need a vacation on a tropical island with umbrella drinks.

Did everyone else get it or is it just me???


:stars:

Curt
03-08-2005, 09:02 PM
Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, "Why is the bride dressed in white?"
Because white is the color of happiness, and today is the happiest day of her life."

The child thought about this for a moment, then said, "So why is the groom wearing black?"

El Gato Pollo Loco!!!
03-08-2005, 09:41 PM
Ok, ok...if you are going to tell a joke, you gotta tell the whole thing....or did you forget the punch line?:LolLolLol ...
Hit 'em hard, hit 'em fast and get outta there!

Curt
03-13-2005, 08:51 AM
A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his
priest, "I almost had an affair with another woman."

The priest said, "What! What do you mean, almost?"

The Irishman said, "Well, we got undressed and rubbed
together, but then I stopped."

The priest said, "Rubbing together is the same as putting it in!"

"You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five
Hail Marys and put $50 in the poor box."

The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then
walked over to the poor box. He paused for a moment and then started to
leave.

The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, "I saw
that.
You didn't put any money in the poor box!"

The Irishman replied, "Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and
................according to you, that's the same as putting it in!"

Karried
03-13-2005, 12:30 PM
That was a laugh out loud one Mariner.... it's great to share laughs

Curt
03-13-2005, 05:38 PM
Once in awhile I get some good ones, glad I can make someone laugh ;)

MasterWolf
03-13-2005, 08:41 PM
A lesson to be learned from typing the wrong e-mail address!!!
------------------------------------------------------------------------


A couple from Minneapolis decided to go to Florida to thaw out
during one particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the
very same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier.
Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate
their travel schedules.

So, the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on Thursday,
with his wife flying down the following day. The husband checked
into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided
to send an e-mail to his wife.

However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address,
and without realizing his error, he sent the e-mail.

Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home from her
husband's funeral. He was a minister of many years who was
called home to glory following a sudden heart attack. The widow decided
to check her e-mail expecting messages of condolence from
relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she
fainted. The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother
on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:



To: My Loving Wife

Subject: I've Arrived

Date: 16 January 2004

I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers
here now and you are allowed to send e-mails to your loved ones. I've
just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has
been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to
seeing you then!

Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.

P.S. Sure is hot down here

Curt
03-13-2005, 08:44 PM
Lmao!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Todd
03-14-2005, 03:35 PM
Two men dressed in Pilots' uniforms walk up the
aisle. Both are wearing dark glasses, one is using a
guide dog, and the other is tapping his way along
the aisle with a cane. Nervous laughter spreads
through the cabin, but the men enter the cockpit,
the door closes, and the engines start up.

The passengers begin glancing nervously around,
searching for some sign that this is just a little
practical joke. None is forthcoming. The plane moves
faster and faster down the runway, and the people
sitting in the window seats realize they're headed
straight for the water at the edge of the airport
territory. As it begins to look as though the plane
will plow into the water, panicked screams fill the
cabin.

At that moment, the plane lifts smoothly into the
air. The passengers relax and laugh a little
sheepishly, and soon all retreat into their
magazines, secure in the knowledge that the plane is
in good hands.

In the cockpit, one of the blind pilots turns to
the other and says, "You know, Bob, one of these
days, they're gonna scream too late and we're all
gonna die."

Keith
03-15-2005, 04:53 PM
A guy was sitting quietly reading his paper when his wife walked up behind him and whacked him on the head with a magazine.


"What was that for?" he asked.

"That was for the piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name Mary Lou written on it," she replied.

"Two weeks ago when I went to the races, Mary Lou was the name of one of the horses I bet on," he explained"Oh honey, I'm sorry," she said. "I should have known there was a good explanation."

Three days later he was watching a ballgame on TV when she walked up and hit him in the head again, this time with the iron skillet, which knocked him out cold. When he came to, he asked, "What the heck was that for?"

She replied, "Your horse called."

__________________________________________________ _______________

Subject: THE COLLAR

A little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a book, and
noticed he had his collar on backwards. The little boy asked why he w ore
his collar that way.

The man, who was a priest, said, " I am a Father."

The little boy replied, "My Daddy doesn't wear his collar like that."

The priest looked up from his book and answered "I am the Father of many."

The boy said, "My Dad has 4 boys, 4 girls and two grandchildren and he
doesn't wear his collar that way."

The priest, getting impatient, said, "I am the Father of hundreds" and
went back to reading his book.

The little boy sat quietly thinking for a while, then leaned over and
said, "Maybe you should wear your pants backwards instead of your collar."

Karried
03-18-2005, 07:57 PM
Things proven to change the course of Thanksgiving

1. During the middle of the meal, turn to mom and say, "See mom, I told you they wouldn't notice that the turkey was four months past its expiration date. You were worried for nothing."

2. When everyone goes around to say what they are thankful for, say, "I'm thankful I didn't get caught" and refuse to say anything more.

3. Load your plate up high, then take it to the kitchen, toss it all in the blender, and take your "shake" back to the table. Announce that it's the new Thanksgiving Weight Loss Shake

4. Prepare a several hour long speech to give when asked about your thankfulness. If necessary, insist that no one leave or eat until you have finished the speech.

5. Bring along old recorded football games and pop them in the VCR when dad's not looking. Make sure it is set to the last two minutes of the game when he comes into the room, turn off the VCR, and then turn on the regular TV.

6. Bring a date that only talks about the tragic and abusive conditions known to exist at turkey farms. Request that she bring photos.

Karried
03-18-2005, 08:03 PM
When you need the perfect insult -caution do not try this at home or on your boss.....


http://www.ahajokes.com/g/redneck.gif A collection of insults!

Even your best friend cheats on you and lies to you, and that's the best friend you can get.

I don't think you are a fool. But then, what's my own humble opinion against thousands of others?

Nobody says that you are dumb. They just say you were sixteen years old before you learned how to wave goodbye.

People say that you are the perfect idiot. I say that you are not perfect, but you are doing alright.

Ordinarily people live and learn. You just live.

The mind reader had a very busy day today reading minds. You were a vacation for him.

I thought of you all day today when I was at the zoo.

When you talk, other people get hoarse just listening.

I would say that you are barking up the wrong tree, but that is your natural voice.

I reprimanded my brother for mimicking you. I told him not to act like a fool.


I don't hold your behavior against you because I realize it was caused by childhood trauma; your parents spanked you when you fell on your head and broke the cement.

Keith
03-22-2005, 06:59 PM
THINGS THAT HALLMARK CARDS DON'T SAY....




My tire was thumping.
I thought it was flat
When I looked at the tire...
I noticed your cat.
Sorry!


Heard your wife left you,
How upset you must be.
But don't fret about it...
She moved in with me.


Looking back over the years
that we've been together,
I can't help but wonder...
"What the heck was I thinking?"



Congratulations on your wedding day!
Too bad no one likes your husband.


How could two people as beautiful as you
Have such an ugly baby?



I've always wanted to have
someone to hold,someone to love.
After having met you .
I've changed my mind.


I must admit, you brought Religion into my life.
I never believed in Hell until I met you.


As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am...
That you're not here to ruin it for me.


Congratulations on your promotion.
Before you go...
Would you like to take this knife out of my back?
You'll probably need it again.


Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad!
(Available only in Tennessee, Kentucky & West Virginia)



Happy birthday! You look great for your age.
Almost Lifelike!



When we were together,
you always said you'd die for me.
Now that we've broken up,
I think it's time you kept your promise.




We have been friends for a very long time .
let's say we stop?


I'm so miserable without you
it's almost like you're here.



Congratulations on your new bundle of joy.
Did you ever find out who the father was?



Your friends and I wanted to do
something special for your birthday.
&n bsp; So we're having you put to sleep.



So your daughter's a hooker,
and it spoiled your day.
Look at the bright side,
it's really good pay.

Keith
03-22-2005, 07:01 PM
Subject: Social Security

After retiring, I went to the social security office

to apply for Social Security, the woman behind the

counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age.

I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my

wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry

but I seemed to have left my wallet at home. "I will have

to go home and come back later."

The woman says, "Unbutton your shirt." So I opened

my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She says, "That

silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me" and she

processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my

experience at the social security office. She says, "You should

have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability too

Keith
03-28-2005, 06:58 PM
EVER WONDER...!
>
> Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?
>
>
> Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?
>
>
> Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?
>
>
> Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?
>
>
> Why is it that doctors and lawyers call what they do "practice"?
>
>
> Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dish washing
> liquid made with real lemons?
>
>
> Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
>
>
> Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
>
>
> Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
>
>
> Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
>
>
> Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
>
>
> You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why
> don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?!
>
>
> Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
>
>
> Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
>
>
> If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
>
>
> If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
>

mranderson
03-28-2005, 07:04 PM
How can you go DOWN an esculator, when to esculate means to rise?

How can you go DOWN an elevator, when to elevate mearns to rise?

Keith
04-06-2005, 05:21 AM
Words of wisdom:




Never read the fine print. There ain't no way you're going to like it.

If you let a smile be your umbrella, then most likely your butt will get soaking wet.


The only two things we do with greater frequency in middle age are urinate and attend funerals.


The trouble with bucket seats is that not everybody has the same size bucket.


To err is human, to forgive - highly unlikely.


Do you realize that in about 40 years, we'll have thousands of old ladies running around with tattoos?


Money can't buy happiness -- but somehow it's more comfortable to cry in a Porsche than in a Kia.


Drinking makes some husbands see double and feel single.


Living in a nudist colony takes all the fun out of Halloween.


After a certain age, if you don't wake up aching in every joint, you are probably dead.

Keith
04-11-2005, 08:45 PM
Click on the link, and when the pig comes up on your screen, click on him. This is a great stress reliever.

http://members.cox.net/ladysarakat/piggy.swf (http://members.cox.net/ladysarakat/piggy.swf)

Keith
04-11-2005, 08:55 PM
Warning - If you can read this whole story without laughing out loud, then there's no hope for you. Note: Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay attention to the first two judges, the reaction of the third judge is even better. For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this is.

They actually have a chili cook-off about the time Halloween comes around. It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the San Antonio city park. The notes are from an inexperienced chili taster named Frank, who was visiting from Springfield, IL.

Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for directions to the Coors Light beer truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting,
so I accepted."





Here are the scorecards from the event: Frank is Judge #3.


Chili # 1 - Eddie's Maniac Monster Chili...

Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
Judge # 3 -- (Frank) Holy crap! What the heck is this stuff?! You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put out the flames. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.

Chili # 2 - Austin's Afterburner Chili...

Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor; needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.

Chili # 3 - Ronny's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili...

Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick. Needs more beans.
Judge # 2 -- A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers.
Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill... My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest.

Chili # 4 - Dave's Black Magic..

Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish, or other mild foods; not much of a chili.
Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-lb. woman is starting to look HOT...just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?

Chili # 5 - Lisa's Legal Lip Remover...

Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead, and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her tha t her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from
bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really ticked me off that the other judges asked me
to stop screaming.
Chili # 6 - Pam's Very Vegetarian Variety...

Judge # 1 -- Thin, yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers.
Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.
Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulphuric flames. I crapped on myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my butt with a snow cone.


Chili # 7 - Carla's Screaming Sensation Chili...

Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge # 2 -- Ho-hum; tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am worried about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress, as he is cursing uncontrollably.
Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the
world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava
to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing; it's too painful. Forget it; I'm
not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.

Chili # 8 - Karen's Toenail Curling Chili...

Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold, but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild, nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge
# 3 farted, passed out, fell over, and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor fella, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili?

Keith
04-15-2005, 05:28 PM
Actual ads From Classified's In Newspapers:
>
>FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER. 8 years old. Hateful little dog. Bites!
>
>FREE PUPPIES: 1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbor's dog.
>
>FREE PUPPIES... Part German Shepherd, part stupid dog.
>
>GERMAN SHEPHERD 85 lbs. Neutered. Only speaks German. Free!
>
>FOUND: DIRTY WHITE DOG. Looks like a rat. Been out awhile. Better be a reward.
>
>NORDIC TRACK $300 Hardly used, call Chubby.
>
>NICE PARACHUTE: Never opened - used once.
>
>JOINING NUDIST COLONY! Must sell washer and dryer. $300!
>
>(AND THE BEST ONE)
>
>FOR SALE BY OWNER: Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica. 45 volumes.
>Excellent condition. $1,000 or best offer. No longer needed. Got married last month. Wife knows everything.

mranderson
04-16-2005, 06:41 PM
Letter to the IRS

Note: Sometimes a story comes along that needs no polishing or enhancement to make it better. This is one of those. It is a real letter submitted to the IRS the midst of 1995s weird and bizarre denial of dependents, exemptions and credits. The letter speaks for itself.

Sirs:

I am responding to your letter denying the deduction for two of the three dependents I claimed on my 1994 Federal Tax return. Thank you!

I have questioned whether or not these are my children for years. They are evil and expensive. It's only fair that, since they are minors and no longer my responsibility, the government should know something about them and what to expect over the next year. Please do not try to reassign them to me next year and reinstate the deduction. They are yours!

The oldest, Kristen, is now 17. She is brilliant. Ask her! I suggest you put her to work in your office where she can answer people's questions about their returns. While she has no formal training, it has not seemed to hamper her mastery of any subject you can name. Taxes should be a breeze. Next year she is going to college. I think it's wonderful that you will now be responsible for that little expense. While you mull that over, keep in mind that she has a truck. It doesn't run at the moment, so you have the choice of appropriating some Department of Defense funds to fix the vehicle, or getting up early to drive her to school. Kristen also has a boyfriend. Oh joy! While she possesses all of the wisdom of the universe, her alleged mother and I have felt it best to occasionally remind her of the virtues of abstinence, or in the face of overwhelming passion, safe sex. This is always uncomfortable, and I am quite relieved you will be handling this in the future. May I suggest that you reinstate Dr. Jocelyn Elders who had a rather good handle on the problem.

Patrick is 14. I've had my suspicions about this one. His eyes are a little closer together than those of normal people. He may be a tax examiner himself one day, if he is not incarcerated first. In February, I was awakened at three in the morning by a police officer who was bringing Pat home. He and his friends were TP'ing houses. In the future, would you like him delivered to the local IRS office, or to Ogden, UT? Kids at 14 will do almost anything on a dare. His hair is purple. Permanent dye, temporary dye, what's the big deal? Learn to deal with it. You'll have plenty of time, as he is sitting out a few days of school after instigating a food fight in the cafeteria. I'll take care of filing your phone number with the vice-principal. Oh yes, he and all of his friends have raging hormones. This is the house of testosterone and it will be much more peaceful when he lives in your home. DO NOT leave him or his friends unsupervised with girls, explosives, inflammables, inflatables, vehicles, or telephones. (They find telephones a source of unimaginable amusement. Be sure to lock out the 900 and 976 numbers!)

Heather is an alien. She slid through a time warp and appeared as if by magic one year. I'm sure this one is yours. She is 10 going on 21. She came from a bad trip in the sixties. She wears tie-dyed clothes, beads, sandals, and hair that looks like Tiny Tim's. Fortunately you will be raising my taxes to help offset the pinch of her remedial reading courses. "Hooked On Phonics" is expensive, so the schools dropped it. But here's the good news! You can buy it yourself for half the amount of the deduction that you are denying me! It's quite obvious that we were terrible parents (ask the other two). She cannot speak English. Most people under twenty understand the curious patois she fashioned out of valley girls/boys in the hood/reggae/yuppie/political double speak. The school sends her to a speech pathologist who has her roll her "r's". It added a refreshing Mexican/Irish touch to her voice. She wears hats backwards, baggy pants, and wants one of her ears pierced four more times. There is a fascination with tattoos that worries me, but I am sure that you can handle it. Bring a truck when you come to get her, she sort of "nests" in her room and I think that it would be easier to move the entire thing than find out what it is really made of.

You denied two of the three exemptions, so it is only fair that you get to pick which two you will take. I prefer that you take the youngest two, I will still go bankrupt with Kristen's college, but then I am free! If you take the two oldest, then I still have time for counseling before Heather becomes a teenager. If you take the two girls, then I won't feel so bad about putting Patrick in a military academy. Please let me know of your decision as soon as possible, as I have already increased the withholding on my W-4 to cover the $395 in additional tax and made a down payment on an airplane.

Yours truly,
Bob (Note: The IRS allowed the deductions and reinstated his refund.)

mranderson
04-16-2005, 06:51 PM
The World Before Computers

Before computers....

- An application was for employment

- A program was a TV show

- A cursor used profanity

- A keyboard was a piano!

- Memory was something that you lost with age

- A CD was a bank account!

- And if you had a broken disk, … It would hurt when you found out!

- Compress was something you did to garbage
…Not something you did to a file

- And if you unzipped anything in public
…You'd be in jail for a while!

- Log on was adding wood to a fire

- Hard drive was a long trip on the road

- A mouse pad was where a mouse lived

- And a backup happened to your commode!

- Cut- you did with a pocket knife

- Paste- you did with glue

- A web was a spider's home

- And a virus was the flu!

I guess I'll stick to my pad and paper and the memory in my head. I hear nobody's been killed in a computer crash -…But when it happens they wish they were dead!

Curt
04-17-2005, 06:56 PM
After having their 11th child, an Alabama couple decided that was enough as they could not afford a larger bed. So the husband went to his veterinarian and told him that he and his cousin didn't want to have any more children. The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem but that it was expensive. "A less costly alternative," said the doctor, "is to go home, get a cherry bomb, " (fireworks are legal in Alabama) "light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to your ear and count to 10."


The Alabamian said to the doctor, "I may not be the sharpest tool in the shed, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me."

"Trust me," said the doctor. So the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count:

"1"

"2"

"3"

"4"

"5"

At which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs and resumed counting on his other hand. This procedure also works in Tennessee, North Carolina, Arkansas, Mississippi, Florida, West Virginia and parts of Michigan (Yoopers Eino & Toivo).

Keith
04-17-2005, 07:03 PM
OUCH. The moral of the story is to never put anything between your legs that could possibly explode.:LolLolLol

So, I wonder if the guy sings soprano now?

Curt
04-17-2005, 07:07 PM
OUCH. The moral of the story is to never put anything between your legs that could possibly explode.:LolLolLol

So, I wonder if the guy sings soprano now?




Kinda sounds like Tiny Tim now :)

mranderson
04-17-2005, 07:47 PM
The Year’s Best Headlines

Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
[no, really?]

Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
[now that's taking things a bit far!]

Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
[what a guy!]

Miners Refuse to Work after Death
[no-good-for-nothin' lazy so-and-sos!]

Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
[see if that works any better than a fair trial!]

War Dims Hope for Peace
[I can see where it might have that effect!] If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile </B>
[you think?!]

Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
[who would have thought!]

Enfield (London) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
[they may be on to something!]

Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
[you mean there's something stronger than duct tape?!]

Man Struck By Lightning Faces Battery Charge
[he probably IS the battery charge!]

New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
[weren't they fat enough?!]

Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
[That's what he gets for eating those beans!]

Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
[Taste like chicken?]

Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
[Chainsaw Massacre all over again!]

Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors


And the winner is.... [b]Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
Did I read that sign right?

Curt
04-17-2005, 07:50 PM
Lmao!!!!!!!!!!

Keith
04-19-2005, 06:23 PM
FOR THOSE WHO TAKE LIFE TOO SERIOUSLY

1. SAVE THE WHALES. COLLECT THE WHOLE SET.

2. A DAY WITHOUT SUNSHINE IS LIKE, NIGHT.

3. ON THE OTHER HAND, YOU HAVE DIFFERENT FINGERS.

4. I JUST GOT LOST IN THOUGHT. IT WASN'T FAMILIAR TERRITORY.

5. 42.7% OF ALL STATISTICS ARE MADE UP ON THE SPOT.

6. 99% OF LAWYERS GIVE THE REST A BAD NAME.

7. I FEEL LIKE I'M DIAGONALLY PARKED IN A PARALLEL UNIVERSE.

8. HONK IF YOU LOVE PEACE AND QUIET.

9. REMEMBER, HALF THE PEOPLE YOU KNOW ARE BELOW AVERAGE.

10. HE WHO LAUGHS LAST, THINKS SLOWEST.

11. DEPRESSION IS MERELY ANGER WITHOUT ENTHUSIASM.

12. THE EARLY BIRD MAY GET THE WORM, BUT THE SECOND MOUSE GETS THE CHEESE.

13. I DRIVE WAY TOO FAST TO WORRY ABOUT CHOLESTEROL.

14. SUPPORT BACTERIA. THEY'RE THE ONLY CULTURE SOME PEOPLE HAVE.

15. MONDAY IS AN AWFUL WAY TO SPEND 1/7 OF YOUR WEEK.

16. A CLEAR CONSCIENCE IS USUALLY THE SIGN OF A BAD MEMORY.

17. CHANGE IS INEVITABLE, EXCEPT FROM VENDING MACHINES.

18. GET A NEW CAR FOR YOUR SPOUSE. IT'LL BE A GREAT TRADE!

19. PLAN TO BE SPONTANEOUS TOMORROW.

20. ALWAYS TRY TO BE MODEST, AND BE PROUD OF IT!

21. IF YOU THINK NOBODY CARES, TRY MISSING A COUPLE OF PAYMENTS.

22. HOW MANY OF YOU BELIEVE IN PSYCHOKINESIS? RAISE MY HAND.

23. OK, SO WHAT'S THE SPEED OF DARK?

24. HOW DO YOU TELL WHEN YOU'RE OUT OF INVISIBLE INK?

25. IF EVERYTHING SEEMS TO BE GOING WELL, YOU HAVE OBVIOUSLY OVERLOOKED SOMETHING.

26. WHEN EVERYTHING IS COMING YOUR WAY, YOU'RE IN THE WRONG LANE.

27. HARD WORK PAYS OFF IN THE FUTURE. LAZINESS PAYS OFF NOW.

28. EVERYONE HAS A PHOTOGRAPHIC MEMORY. SOME JUST DO NOT HAVE FILM.

29. IF BARBIE IS SO POPULAR, WHY DO YOU HAVE TO BUY HER FRIENDS?

30. HOW MUCH DEEPER WOULD THE OCEAN BE WITHOUT SPONGES?

31. EAGLES MAY SOAR, BUT WEASELS DO NOT GET SUCKED INTO JET ENGINES.

32. WHAT HAPPENS IF YOU GET SCARED HALF TO DEATH TWICE?

33. I USED TO HAVE AN OPEN MIND, BUT MY BRAINS KEPT FALLING OUT.

34. I COULDN'T REPAIR YOUR BRAKES, SO I MADE YOUR HORN LOUDER.

35. WHY DO PSYCHICS HAVE TO ASK YOU FOR YOUR NAME?

36. INSIDE EVERY OLDER PERSON IS A YOUNGER PERSON WONDERING WHAT HAPPENED.

37. JUST REMEMBER--IF THE WORLD DID NOT SUCK, WE WOULD ALL FALL OFF.

38. LIGHT TRAVELS FASTER THAN SOUND, WHICH IS WHY SOME PEOPLE APPEAR BRIGHT UNTIL YOU HEAR THEM SPEAK.

Keith
04-20-2005, 05:17 PM
Baby in the bathtub...make sure your volume is up.


http://www.orapois.com/br/arquivos/09102003084653755g.swf (http://www.orapois.com/br/arquivos/09102003084653755g.swf)

mranderson
04-23-2005, 08:29 AM
Modern Day Goldilocks

Goldilocks was walking along one sunny day when she found a beautiful house in the woods. The door was open, so she walked right in. There she found a table set with 3 bowls of steaming porridge.

"Hello?" she called out, but no one was home.

She sits down and tries the first bowl, but it was too hot. She tried the second bowl, but it was too cold. Then she tried the third bowl, and it was just right.

"Wow," she said, once she finished the meal. "Now I'm feeling very sleepy."

So she wandered around the house. She finds a staircase, climbs the stairs, and goes into the first room. There was a big bed in the room, so Goldilocks jumped in.

"Yikes!" she exclaimed, "this one's too hard!"

She wandered into the next room where she found another bed. She hops right in. But it was too soft. By this time, Goldilocks was really tired. She then goes into a third room and yells out in surprise at seeing three pink pigs cowering in the corner of the room.

"Wait a minute," she said. "You guys are in the wrong fairy tale." "No, we're not," answered one of the pigs.... "Don't you know this is 2005. This is a two-story house?"

mranderson
04-23-2005, 08:33 AM
Funny Mergers 0f 2005

1. XEROX and WURLITZER
(They're going to make reproductive organs)

2. FAIRCHILD ELECTRONICS and HONEYWELL COMPUTERS
(The new company will be called Fairwell Honeychild)

3. POLYGRAM RECORDS, WARNER BROTHERS, and KEEBLER
(The new company will be called Poly-Warner-Cracker)

4. W.R. GRACE CO., FULLER BRUSH CO., MARY KAY COSMETICS, and HALE BUSINESS SYSTEMS
(The company will be called Hale, Mary, Fuller, Grace)

5. 3M and GOODYEAR
(MMM Good)

6. JOHN DEERE and ABITIBI-PRICE
(Deere Abi)

7. HONEYWELL, IMASCO, and HOME OIL
(Honey, I'm Home)

8. DENISON MINES, ALLIANCE, and METAL MINING
(Mine All Mine)

9. 3M, JC PENNEY, and THE METROPOLITAN OPERA COMPANY
(3 Penney Opera)

10. GREY POUPON and DOCKERS PANTS
(Poupon Pants)

11. KNOTT'S BERRY FARM and THE NATIONAL ORGANIZATION FOR WOMEN
(The new company will be called Knott Now) 12. ZIPPO MANUFACTURING, AUDI, DOFASCO, and DAKOTA MINING
(The new company will be called Zip Audi Do-Da)

mranderson
04-23-2005, 08:34 AM
Turning the Tables on College Recruiters

MIT certainly has a reputation to be proud of, but its admissions department went a little overboard, I think. The first letter is reputed to be an honest-to-goodness mailing from MIT, the second is one prospective student's reply:

*************

April 18, 1994

Mr. John T. Mongan
123 Main Street
Smalltown, California 94123-4567

Dear John:

You've got the grades. You've certainly got the PSAT scores. And now you've got a letter from MIT. Maybe you're surprised. Most students would be.

But you're not most students. And that's exactly why I urge you to consider carefully one of the most selective universities in America.

The level of potential reflected in your performance is a powerful indicator that you might well be an excellent candidate for MIT. It certainly got my attention!

Engineering's not for you? No problem. It may surprise you to learn we offer more than 40 major fields of study, from architecture to brain and cognitive sciences, from economics (perhaps the best program in the country) to writing.

What? Of course, you don't want to be bored. Who does? Life here *is* tough *and* demanding, but it's also *fun*. MIT students are imaginative and creative - inside and outside the classroom.

You're interested in athletics? Great! MIT has more varsity teams - 39 - than almost any other university, and a tremendous intramural program so everybody can participate.

You think we're too expensive? Don't be too sure. We've got surprises for you there, too.

Why not send the enclosed Information Request to find out more about this unique institution? Why not do it right now?

Sincerely,
Michael C. Benhke
Director of Admissions

P.S. If you'd like a copy of a fun-filled, fact-filled brochure, "Insight," just check the appropriate box on the form.

***************

May 5, 1994
Michael C. Behnke
MIT Director of Admissions
Office of Admissions, Room 3-108
Cambridge MA 02139-4307

Dear Michael:

You've got the reputation. You've certainly got the pomposity. And now you've got a letter from John Mongan. Maybe you're surprised. Most universities would be.

But you're not most universities. And that's exactly why I urge you to carefully consider one of the most selective students in America, so selective that he will choose only *one* of the thousands of accredited universities in the country.

The level of pomposity and lack of tact reflected in your letter is a powerful indicator that your august institution might well be a possibility for John Mongan's future education. It certainly got my attention!

Don't want Bio-Chem students? No problem. It may surprise you to learn that my interests cover over 400 fields of study, from semantics to limnology, from object-oriented programming (perhaps one of the youngest professionals in the country) to classical piano.

What? Of course you don't want egotistical jerks. Who does? I *am* self-indulgent *and* over confident, but I'm also amusing. John Mongan is funny and amusing - whether you're laughing with him or at him.

You're interested in athletes? Great! John Mongan has played more sports - 47 - than almost any other student, including oddball favorites such as Orienteering.

You think I can pay for your school? Don't be too sure. I've got surprises for you there, too.

Why not send a guaranteed admission and full scholarship to increase your chance of being selected by John Mongan? Why not do it right now?

Sincerely,

John Mongan P.S. If you'd like a copy of a fun-filled, fact-filled brochure, "John Mongan: What a Guy!" just ask.

mranderson
04-23-2005, 08:35 AM
Have You Seen The Signs in The Office?

1. In an office:

TOILET OUT OF ORDER......
PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW

2. In a Laundromat:

AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT

3. In a London department store:

BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS

4. In an office:

WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR
. . .FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN

5. In an office:

AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD

6. Outside a secondhand shop:

WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES, ETC. WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?

7. Notice in health food shop window:

CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS

8. Spotted in a safari park:

ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR

9. Seen during a conference:

FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE 1ST FLOOR

10. Notice in a farmer's field:

THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES.

11. On a repair shop door: WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE BELL DOESN'T WORK) We all need a good laugh, keep on smiling

mranderson
04-23-2005, 08:36 AM
The Year’s Best Headlines

Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
[no, really?]

Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
[now that's taking things a bit far!]

Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
[what a guy!]

Miners Refuse to Work after Death
[no-good-for-nothin' lazy so-and-sos!]

Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
[see if that works any better than a fair trial!]

War Dims Hope for Peace
[I can see where it might have that effect!] If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile </B>
[you think?!]

Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
[who would have thought!]

Enfield (London) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
[they may be on to something!]

Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
[you mean there's something stronger than duct tape?!]

Man Struck By Lightning Faces Battery Charge
[he probably IS the battery charge!]

New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
[weren't they fat enough?!]

Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
[That's what he gets for eating those beans!]

Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
[Taste like chicken?]

Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
[Chainsaw Massacre all over again!]

Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors


And the winner is.... [b]Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
Did I read that sign right?

Keith
04-24-2005, 01:24 PM
A stockbroker, on his way home from work in New York City, came to a dead halt in traffic and thought to himself, "Wow, this seems much worse than usual."

He notices a police officer walking between the lines of stopped cars, so he rolls down his window and asks, "Officer, what's the hold up?"

The officer replies, "Hillary Clinton is depressed, so she stopped her motorcade and is threatening to douse herself in gasoline and set herself on fire. She says her husband has spent all her money and the Democrats told her to forget about running for President in 2008. So we're taking up a collection for her.

The stockbroker asks, "How much have you got so far?" The officer replies "About 4 gallons, but a lot of folks are still siphoning."

Curt
04-24-2005, 01:31 PM
A stockbroker, on his way home from work in New York City, came to a dead halt in traffic and thought to himself, "Wow, this seems much worse than usual."

He notices a police officer walking between the lines of stopped cars, so he rolls down his window and asks, "Officer, what's the hold up?"

The officer replies, "Hillary Clinton is depressed, so she stopped her motorcade and is threatening to douse herself in gasoline and set herself on fire. She says her husband has spent all her money and the Democrats told her to forget about running for President in 2008. So we're taking up a collection for her.

The stockbroker asks, "How much have you got so far?" The officer replies "About 4 gallons, but a lot of folks are still siphoning."
ROTFLMAO!!!!!!!!!!!!

Keith
04-24-2005, 07:03 PM
After Christmas, a teacher asked her young pupils how they spent their holiday away from school.

One child wrote the following: We always used to spend the holidays with Grandma and Grandpa. They used to live in a big brick house but Grandpa got retarded and they moved to Arizona.

Now they live in a tin box and have rocks painted green to look like grass. They ride around on their golf carts and wear names because they don't know who they are anymore. They go to a building called a wrecked center, but they must have got it fixed because it is all okay now. They play games and do exercises there, but they don't do them very well.

There is a swimming pool too, but in it, they all jump up and down with hats on, while they talk to each other. I guess they don't know how to swim.

At their gate, there is a dollhouse with a little old man sitting in it. He watches all day so nobody can escape. Sometimes they sneak out. They go cruising in their golf carts.

Nobody there cooks, they just eat out. And,they eat the same thing every night------early birds. Some of the people can't get out past the man in the dollhouse. The ones who do get out, bring food back to the wrecked center and call it pot luck.

My Grandma says that Grandpa worked all his life to get retarded and says I should work hard so I can be retarded someday too. When I get retarded, I want to be the man in the dollhouse. Then I will let people out so they can visit their grandchildren.

Ms.Relaxationstation
04-25-2005, 12:31 AM
OK, I'm probably gonna get banned for this one....WARNING: this joke is a lil off color so if you are the offended type.....stop now...Don't read it


Q. What's worse than finding a finger in your chili at Wendy's?


A. Finding a hand in your pants at Neverland...


I'm sorry, I'm sorry....geeesh people/

Keith
04-25-2005, 05:06 AM
Ok, ms.relaxationstation....:banned2:

Just kidding:LolLolLol

Unfortunately, your joke is soooooooooooooooooo true.

Curt
04-25-2005, 05:15 AM
LMAO!!!!!!!!!!!!................I like it.

Keith
04-25-2005, 04:10 PM
To Be 6 Again

A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, observing
his wife turning back and forth, looking at herself in
the mirror. Since her birthday was not far off he
asked what she'd like to have for her birthday.
I'd like to be six again, she replied, still looking
in the mirror.

On the morning of her birthday, he arose early, made
her a nice big bowl of Lucky Charms, and then took her to
Six Flags theme park. What a day! He put her on
every ride in the park: the Death Slide, the Wall of
Fear, the Screaming Monster Roller Coaster, everything
there was. Five hours later they staggered out of the
theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt
upside down.

He then took her to a McDonald's where
he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a
chocolate shake. Then it was off to a movie, popcorn,
a soda pop, and her favorite candy, M&M's. What a
fabulous adventure!

Finally she wobbled home with her husband and
collapsed into bed exhausted. He leaned over his wife with a big smile
and lovingly asked, "Well dear, what was it like
being six again?" Her eyes slowly opened and her _expression suddenly changed.
"I meant my dress size, you idiot!"

The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening,
he is gonna get it wrong.

mranderson
04-26-2005, 05:44 AM
Things Not To Say To A Cop

1. Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.

2. Aren't you that guy from the Village People?

3. Didn't I see you get your butt kicked on COPS?

4. Hey, you must have been doin' at least 120 mph to keep up with me...Good job!

5. Bad cop! No donut!

6. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a cop.

7. Gee, Officer...that's terrific...the last officer only gave me a warning too!

8. I almost decided to be a cop, but I decided to finish high school instead.

9. You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?

10. I pay your salary!

11. Excuse me...is stick up hyphenated?

12. Wow, you look just like the guy in the picture on my girlfriend's nightstand.

13. Gee, that gut sure doesn't inspire confidence.

14. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does. 15. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are no other cars around-that's how far ahead of me they are.

Keith
04-26-2005, 07:45 PM
This young cowboy walks into a seedy cafe in a small town in West Texas.

He sits at the counter and notices an older cowboy with his arms folded
staring blankly at a bowl of chili.

After about 15 minutes of just sitting there staring at it, the young
cowboy bravely asks, "if you ain't goin to eat that, mind if I do"?
The older cowboy slowly turns his head toward the young wrangler and in his
best cowboy manner states "Nah, go ahead".

Eagerly, the young cowboy reaches over and slides the bowl over to his
place and starts spooning it in with delight. He gets nearly down to the
bottom and notices a rotten dead rat in the chili. The sight was shocking
and he immediately pukes up the chili into the bowl.

The old cowboy quietly says, "Yep, that's as far as I got, too".

Curt
04-26-2005, 08:03 PM
Once upon a time a guy asked a girl "Will you marry me?"
She said "No"
And the guy lived happily ever after!!!

ibda12u
04-27-2005, 12:03 PM
Computers in Movies
Author Unknown

1. Word processors never display a cursor.

2. You never have to use the spacebar when typing long sentences.

3. Movie character never make typing mistakes.

4. All monitors display inch-high letters.

5. High-tech computers, such as those used by NASA, the CIA, or some such governmental institution, will have easy to understand graphical interfaces. Those that don't, have incredibly powerful text-bases command shells that can correctly understand and execute commands typed in plain english.

Keith
04-27-2005, 04:01 PM
FINALLY, THE BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE JOKES!

A blonde called her boyfriend and said, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get it started.

Her boyfriend asked, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished? "The blonde said, "According to the picture on the box, it's a tiger." Her boyfriend decided to go over and help with the puzzle.

She let him in and showed him where she had the puzzle spread all over the table. He studied the pieces for a moment, then looked at the box, then turned to her and said, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger."

He took her hand and said, "Second, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of hot chocolate and then............", he sighed,


"Let's put all these Frosted Flakes back in the box

mranderson
04-27-2005, 07:19 PM
You Know you?re Addicted to the Internet when? (Updated)

You Know you?re Addicted to the Internet when?

- You kiss your girlfriend's home page.

- Your bookmarks list takes 15 minutes to scroll from top to bottom.

- You find yourself brainstorming for new subjects to Google.

- You refuse to go to a vacation spot with no electricity and no phone lines.

- You spend half of the plane trip with your laptop on your lap.... and your kid in the overhead compartment.

- Your dreams are in HTML.

- You refer to going to the bathroom as ?downloading.?

- You start introducing yourself as "Jim at I-I-Net dot net dot au"

- You turn up the volume real loud when leaving the room so you can hear if anyone IM's you.

- All of your friends have @ in their names.

- Your dog has its own webpage.

- You check your mail. It says "no new messages." So you check it again.

- You name your children Google, Friendster and Blogger

- You wake up at 3 a.m. to go to the bathroom and stop and check your e-mail on the way back. (OK ? We all have done this one)

- Your sweetie says communication is important in a marriage...so you buy another computer and network them together so that you can IM each other anytime.

- You have withdrawals if you are away from the computer for more than a few hours.

- You take a speed reading course to keep up with the scrolling.

- You rank your friends by the amount of bandwith they have.

- You order pizza online - because you can't be bothered to call. - You double click your TV remote.

Ms.Relaxationstation
04-28-2005, 10:32 AM
Q. When do you know it's bedtime at Michael Jackson's house?



A. When the big hand is on the little hand. ARrrrghhhhhh
:surrender

Keith
04-28-2005, 07:30 PM
Q. When do you know it's bedtime at Michael Jackson's house?



A. When the big hand is on the little hand. ARrrrghhhhhh
:surrender
:bedtime: , but not at Neverland...ever

Keith
05-02-2005, 04:05 PM
The seeing eye dog

> A man was flying from Seattle to San Francisco. Unexpectedly, the

> plane stopped in Sacramento along the way. The flight attendant

> explained that there would be a delay, and if the passengers wanted to

> get off the aircraft, the plane would re- board in 50 minutes.

> Everybody got off the plane except one gentleman who was blind. A man

> had noticed him as he walked by and could tell the gentleman was blind

> because his seeing eye dog lay quietly underneath the seats in front

> of him throughout the entire flight. He could also tell he had flown

> this very flight before because the pilot approached him, and calling

> him by name, said, "Keith, we're in Sacramento for almost an hour.

> Would you like to get off and stretch your legs?" The blind man

> replied, "No thanks, but maybe my dog would like to stretch his legs.

> Picture this: All the people in the gate area came to a complete

> standstill when they looked up and saw the pilot walk off the plane

> with a Seeing Eye dog! The pilot was even wearing sunglasses. People

> scattered. They not only tried to change planes, but they were trying

> to change airlines! True story... Have a great day and remember...

> things aren't always as they appear!