Children Learn What They Live

If a child lives with criticism, he learns to condemn.

If a child lives with hostility, he learns to fight.

If a child lives with ridicule, he learns to be shy.

If a child lives with shame, he learns to feel guilty.

If a child lives with tolerance, he learns to be patient.

If a child lives with encouragement, he learns confidence.

If a child lives with praise, he learns to appreciate.

If a child lives with fairness, he learns justice.

If a child lives with security, he learns to have faith.

If a child lives with approval, he learns to like himself

If a child lives with acceptance and friendship, he learns to find love in the world.

Dorothy Law Holtz

I have always loved this message even though I don't buy a lot of it. I surely agree that children find love through experiencing acceptance and friendship. And faith is often tied to a sense of security. I think fairness leads to justice, tolerance leads to patience. Or maybe patience leads to tolerance.

But we have to be real with kids - in our praise; our encouragement; in showing righteous anger at cruelty and injustice; and in demonstrating loyalty and friendship for people who return the favor - not for people who are treating us like an easy mark. Praise given for lackluster effort has been shown to be counterproductive - in fact, poured on children untied to effort decreases empathy for the worth and achievement of others. Appreciation doesn't come from praise - it comes from receiving something we don't feel entitled to. It is especially acute when we realize what we have can be lost. I tend to believe that confidence comes with achievement/success. Mere praise only fosters arrogance and a sense of entitlement - and that decreases the likelihood of feeling appreciative - and appreciating is key to happiness. I think children should be given approval when it is warranted. Look for reasons to do it. It doesn't have to be anything earthshattering. But approval, for approval's sake, is a horrible joke to play on children when they go out into the world and find out they aren't really the King of England.