Okay so my daughter is a senior in HS and has decided with 2 other friends that they are ready to move out. It hurts because she is a 3.75 gpa type kid and I know that if she moves out her grades and any chance at college will go BOOM.....

Any ideas on how I can talk her into staying? She has life good right now. I am not strict but am a concerned parent.

She originally said no she was waiting to move until she graduates. But the other 2 friends do not have a car so she is a ride for them to and from work and school. One has graduated, and one is a junior this year. They are brother and sister and do not have parents to say bad idea.

Anyhoo, I think they are pressuring her because she is the only one with a car and they need to have her live with them for a ride to and from work and school.

Any ideas or thoughts would be appreciated.
Sella

This may backfire either now or later, however, the idea I have is simple.

If she is college bound (or trade school) tell her no stay, no funds for higher education (if you intend to pay all or part of it). She might call your bluff and say she cares less. However, she might just stay.

Of course, if she is mature enough (some are at 17), cut the strings and let her go.

Unfortunately, it sounds as if they are wanting to use her. I have a 17 year old son who will be a senior next year, and he has also talked about moving out as soon as he can. Only problem is, he doesn't make enough money to be out on his own, or to move in with friends. He is also an excellent student, and plans on going to college. Once he graduates, he may go to college and live in a dorm.

Does your daughter have a good paying job where she can make her car/insurance payment, pay bills, pay rent, and still have money left over? Moving out on your own (or even with friends) is a big responsibility. Does she have enough money to pay for everything, in case her friends "come up short?"

Does her friends have good paying jobs where they can help pay the bills? If not, then she could be in for the worst surprise of her life. There is nothing like moving in with some friends, expecting them to help pay bills, and then you have to beg them to pay their part. I have been there, and it was total chaos.

When I was 17, I moved in with some friends I worked with. We all had decent jobs, but they were big time party people, so they spent a lot of their money partying. When it was time to pay the bills, they were broke. We lasted about 7 months and then we all went our separate ways. I really missed being home with my parents and not having so much responsibilty. Our friendships just about ended, and today, I only keep in touch with only one of the four that shared the apartment with me.

I know it sounds like a great idea to your daughter and her friends, but believe me, the grass isn't always greener on the other side. I really think she is making a big mistake by leaving a home and her good life, and going out on her own this soon.

I don't like to sound negative, but like I said, I have been there, and I wish I had never left home so soon.

Hey Sella,

First, Please dont take advice from someone who does not even have children!!!Let alone a teen ager.I have a 18 year old son.He is still in school and in definitely going to stay in.I would not let her go though for the simple fact that when she does go with her friends thats it! you can figure she will drop out completly.Might start drugs,who knows wind up with some guy that will tell her anything she wants to hear.Peer pressure is way too powerful and they cave almost all the time I dont care how old they are there is NO 17 year old that is MATURE.In the mind of a teen ager its all about them no one else matters on the planet for at least 5-10 more years.I had my son when I was 15 I was forced to grow up and mature VERY quickly.I lived with my parents had to get a part time job pay a small rent and my own car insurance at 16.I had a baby to get around to the doctor and all.My social scene stopped.Please Sella dont let her go.When she grows up she will realize that it was what was best for her.She may hate you for it now,Which my 18 year old is mad and not talking to me right now either.But its true what they say,Its the ones you love that hurt you most.She will love you and respect your decision when she gets older I PROMISE YOU.

DarlingDiva:Smiley130

As one of the ones that do not have children, I will say this. We might not have children, but that does NOT mean we do not know about them.

We are just as qualified as anyone else to give advise. Even a person WITH children can give bad advise. So, please do not advise someone to ignore a childless person's advise.

MR Anderon

It sounds like you are extremely insecure.Whether I was referring to you or not is irrelevant.I am saying I have hands on experience.She can go with your advice if thats what you want to call it,but what happens when your advice fails her and something tragic happens to this young girl out in this big world because you think she is possibly mature enough???How will you feel then?And I will remind you I am a Moderator on this board and I can FREELY express my views as I see fit.I will express any and all opinions I have that run through my Brilliant brain.If you dont like I dont know what to tell you but just to deal withit.

DarlingDiva

We are just as qualified as anyone else to give advise. Even a person WITH children can give bad advise. So, please do not advise someone to ignore a childless person's advise.
First Off, In my opinion, It seems like you are telling Darling Diva what she can and cannot advise. To me, I think it is great that everybody on this board post their own opinions about certain subject, but, just one question......Do you not like anybody else's opinions except for yours?


easy answer. First. I am a grown adult. Two. I am nearly 50 years old and have been around a lot longer than most on this board. Three. The first amendment of the constitution of the United States of America.
Remember this one, Mr. Anderson, bottom line, I think this one goes for everyone, not just you.

Keith, I would have to agree with you about what you post. I think they are just going to use her, sella, as a taxi cab or whatever. It looks to me as they are wanting her to live with them because its more convenient for them, not her.

[QUOTE=mranderson]

DELETED BY BOARD ADMIN

QUOTE]

OK Mr Anderson,
You are just digging yourself deeper.First of all her name is Sella not Stella,Which is really IRONIC coming from the guy who was insinuating that my youngest son was dyslexic and had something wrong with him back in the making the grade forum.So I guess you would not win any spelling bees either huh?By the way just to put the Icing on THAT cake my youngest was enrolled about a week after that post into the Gifted students program at his school.So anyway back to this matter,So by what you are inferring as being a person thats been around kids through a few years that makes you qualified enough to give advice on the the future leaders, business people ,teachers, lawyers and parents of our world.I DONT think so!By your standards and Im sure Keith can see where Im coming from on this,I could stand outside a house that is on fire and because I watch a fireman with a hose put that fire out,I am qualified enough to actually make myself believe that I have enough experience or knowledge base to do this myself.Make any sense?HELL NO!Or Better yet LOL give the fireman advice on how to do their job Even though I have NEVER actually put out a fire on my own.Hence you have never parented a child and have no CLUE what it is like to be a parent for 18 years.Just because you have baby sat or whatever it is and you think you are so great at this I challenge you,Why dont you go ahead and write a childrens book for us all to read .The Parenting Guide according to Mr.Anderson.

DarlingDiva:Smiley053

I will say this from my own experince, as long as I was working I could live at home, so I thought if that was the case then I would get my own place. I was also about 20 years old too. And I can tell you I would have rather worked and stayed at home so I caould saved my money to have more later on. I did enjoy my own life but there is alot of and I mean alot of responsibilty involved have a place of your own. If she does want to move out on her on you CAN let her but keep an eye on her and her grades and how she is doing and make it known that at anytime she needs help or needs anything for that matter she can come home. My parents were never like that, ever since I started working I was on my own I bought all of my own stuff from food to clothes to a truck and anything I wanted I bought myself. I know I will not be like that for my kids when they grow up, I won't spoil them but will be when they are in need of help or advice.

I hardly think using hurtful and intentionally demeaning slurs has anything to do with you right to offer parental advice, Mr Anderson.

Sella, one thing my dad did when I was ready to move out is he put it ALL DOWN ON PAPER. Sure it looks good to be out on your own, but that's because we often can't see the big picture. (Og&E Bills, phone, cable, food, gas, insurance, rent, etc) Maybe it would help her if she could see a blue print on paper of the things to expect, as well as the unexpected things that could come up. After giving her a "bigger picture" who knows, it might be HER idea that it's better to stay at home. Teenagers tend to do better when they think it was their idea, rather than mom and dad telling what not to do.

I hardly think using hurtful and intentionally demeaning slurs has anything to do with you right to offer parental advice, Mr Anderson.

You missed my point. The point is the fact if I use a term that I CHOOSE to use, I am slapped, however, when someone else tells me I do not have the right to express advise, They are praised. It is NOT RIGHT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! The first amendment is for everyone. It is not intended to be selective. Bsides, Sella did not limit the people she asked for advise.

By the way. That quote Diva cited was in private. I made it private for a reason. She should have left it that way.

By the way. That quote Diva cited was in private. I made it private for a reason. She should have left it that way.Mr Anderson,
You just cannot leave things alone can you.Ive had it I am definitely going to PM Todd about this as A Moderator I feel It is time to step in and Voice my opinion loud and clear.I dont care if what you wrote to me was in private you of all people are the king of highlighting other peoples quotes to make them look bad,and make yourself look better.You know why half the people don't post on here???Its YOU, your dam bullying and NEGATIVE attitude!You NEVER ever have anything good to say you think the only person that matters on this board is yourself and that anyone who has a differing opinion than you is Just flat out wrong.Ive had it I know several other people ob this board will back me up on the facts of how you try to intimidate,exxagerate and make everything seem so much more than it is.I am doing this for the well being of the board there must be a reason we have as many people registered yet so many dont post.Because they have seen what YOU do and are just waiting for you to RIP thier heads off.Welll we are sick of it!!!Anyone else who feels this way please respond to this post so Todd can get the message loud and clear that this is a PROBLEM.

DarlingDiva:cuss2:

Right on Darling!!!
I have been reading in this thread and can say from waht I have read he is carrying on like you said and won't it go. I can back ya up on this.

Guys, guys, guys, and gal, I have read the posts also, and it seems to me that mranderson is just doing what the rest of us are doing, giving our opinions. Maybe he is not the "authority" on raising teenagers, but he still has the right to his opinion. I though that was what this forum was for.

That would be like me being an officer and giving a firefighter advice on fighting fires. I may be out of my league to give advice, but it is my right to express myself. The firefighter doesn't have to take my advice.

I don't get the opportunity to get on this forum very often, but when I do I read quite a few posts. I can say that mranderson is rather vocal on his opinions, but I also know that there are others that post who are worse than he is. Just because you don't agree with what he said doesn't give you the right to ban him. Sure, maybe you pushed the right buttons and made him upset, but you know what, when people push my buttons I get pissed off too.

I am not trying to side with anyone, I am just trying to remind everyone what this forum is here for, to express your opinions.

Goodness gracious...I was gone for half of the day today and didn't realize how quick this thread had gone downhill. Before we go any further, just remember that EVERYONE on this forum has the right to their opinions.

Heaven knows that there are many people that I may not agree with, however, whatever knowledge they have or don't have on the subject, they still have a right to voice their opinion. Heck, there are a lot of subjects that I don't know about, but I figure that I can embarrass myself by "trying" to act like I know what I am saying about the subject.LOL.

Plus, as many as you can tell, there have been some that have pushed my buttons (as 1adam12 put it), and have really made me upset. I just remember that this is a forum to express your opinions on, so I just go on.

Anyway, I think it is great that so many people have given their "advice" to sella35, and I know she appreciates it. Why don't we get back to the subject at hand, and give sella35 the advice that she has asked for?

Ok, I have tried to put some smilies in, but for some reason they aren't working for me. Geeze!

My TWO SENSE.. yes Sence:
First my advice to Sella:
As a 17 year old who found herself alone and moving out I can give you, in a nut shell that I did extremely well. It sounds to me like you have given her incredible skills and have been a fabulous parent. I have found parenting challenging on a daily basis. When at 17, I moved on my own in the big scary violent city NY is, I never forgot my roots, my morals or my ethics.

Also, it sounds to me as if the car is the main reason they want her. Eliminate it! Your daughter can be restricted in her priviledge use of a car. Then she will have to think and re-evaluate how economics take a role in her independence.

Last but not least, sit down and ask her to make a plan and show you how she will survive if she has no income for 2 months once she is out on her own. Another reality check. Recommend she find an appartment they all have to sign the lease for so she can only be held 1/3 responsible when and if it fails because she could then have a liability in court.

As far as advice from a non parent or parent? Well I have a 31 year old that is not mine but I raised. She is the mother of a 2 yr old. I was her "parent" when she had none but could not be considered one. I am proud to say it was a success. Most of my support was from friends who were NOT parents but like me SELECTED to take the responsibilty we all have. It's the entire village's job to raise a child.

As an author on a children's book being printed this month, I dont consider myself to be an authority on issues but gladly offer my views on a subject when asked because undoubtly we can all learn from kicking a subject around and getting other's views.

I am now a parent to two little monsters (photo's in gallery) who are disabled with PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder), ADHD (Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder) and Dislexia. They are both gifted, my third grader reads at high school level and my kindergartner cannot read but can read a blue print, a schematic, a layout, a map and show you to navigate or travel or how to assemble something.

I am a moderator on two boards on yahoo. As such, I am often in a moderator/mediator position. As a word smith (by the way, english is NOT my primary language) to moderate as listed in the dictionary is:
One that arbitrates or mediates.
One who presides over a meeting, forum, or debate.
other common words in a thesaurus for moderator are: arbiter, meidator, negotiator, diplomat, ambassador, intermediary, intercessor, monitor, facilitator.

I found it most disturbing that insunations and anger was displayed in a public forum where it has no place. I have introduced this board to many people and have added it to my groups (2 that I moderate and one that I own) as well as to my yahoo profile. The common denominator for the failure of most to post has been the lack of a board to seek its peaceful end.

here my two sense (which implies to use one's faculty) in my case with intent to stimulate but not beat a horse to drinking just leading it to water.
HAPPY NEW YEAR!
Sella, with faith all things are posible!!!

I forgot to say, that chances are they dont have the right amount of credit to qualify for an apartment without a parent signing!

Do your research and of course recommend places that wont approve anyone without an good credit check! Good jobs, money in the bank etc!

Hey ClippedWingAngel, thanks for getting us back on track. Unfortunately, I have't been online since New Year's Eve, but I did read several of the posts that have been deleted, and I discussed the issue with Keith. Anyways, that issue has and will continue to be dealt with off this site. Let's get back to the topic at hand. As far as I'm concerned, everyone has the right to express their opinions here, regardless of whether they have children, have a family, know about city issues, etc. This is a site open to all to simply discuss the issues. You don't have to meet certain requirements to post here. Of course, as a reminder there are rules to be followed, but other than that, we invite everyone to jump in and express their opinions.

Now, onto this topic.

Sella, thanks for bringing this issue up. I, like a few others on this forum don't have children myself, but I've worked around enough children....anyways, I guess I'll give my 2 cents.

Since you truly do love your child, you should definitely set down the line with her. As others have said here, show her exactly how much living on her own is going to cost, and make her show you how she plans on paying for it. Since she's a minor and probably doesn't make much, she'd probably need you to co-sign the apartment lease! Obviously, you don't have to co-sign the lease. As mranderson hinted at, re-emphasize just how important college is. Without a college degree now, finding a job can be tough. Heck, even with a college degree finding a job can be tough! Also, try to get her to realize that her friends are just trying to use her. You can obviously see the potential consequences of moving out at this age and time, but unfortunately your daughter cannot. Your experience wins out here.

I guess a lot of it depends on how much responsibility you want to give her.

The other option of course is to let her learn from her own decisions....in other words, give her the responsiblity and let her make the choices. If it doesn't work out, then she just learns from her mistake. Will her chance at college be gone? she always has the chance of working her way to college later.

I know different parents would probably make different choices. And your decision on this matter is by no means a reflection of how good or bad of a parent you are. It's just a difference of parenting styles.

If I were the parent, I'd probably do whatever it took to force my child to stay at home until he/she graduated from high school. But, of course, that would just be my choice.

Whatever choice you make, don't feel guilty about it later. Just be firm and comfortable with your decision!

Best of luck Sella! Keep us up to date!

Anyways, that issue has and will continue to be dealt with off this site. Let's get back to the topic at hand. As far as I'm concerned, everyone has the right to express their opinions here, regardless of whether they have children, have a family, know about city issues, etc. This is a site open to all to simply discuss the issues. You don't have to meet certain requirements to post here. Of course, as a reminder there are rules to be followed, but other than that, we invite everyone to jump in and express their opinions.

Everybody's opinion counts, huh? Where's mine and One Divas Destiny's post go. Doesnt seem fair at all. I guess only certain peoples opinions matter only. I dont remember posting anything negative at all, I just did what MR. ANDERSON does all the time on this board. But when I do it, Mine gets deleted. And of course, Darling Divas gets erased too, what for? Too me , it seems like she was EXPRESSING her own OPINION. Something is going on this forum and it is not right.....

Hey Masterwolf...I went ahead and sent you a PM.....we can discuss this off the forum. Actually, I wasn't involved in the issue originally, so you might want to discuss this with Keith and Todd. As I've said before, tonight is the first time I heard about the issue. I'd be happy to try to answer any questions though.

Just to clarify though, One Diva Destiny's opinion is the fourth from the top. The only posts deleted were the ones that dealt with the feud. Your posts weren't the only ones deleted. A series of posts were deleted. Again, feel free to discuss this via PM.

Monkeys like cheese and the phrogs eat watermelons with salt...

I say if the 17 year old is still in high school, they should stay home until they graduate, but it's not like I'm an expert or anything...

Even though you may have already solved this issue with your daughter. Hear is my solution.

Make a list of everything she will be paying for on her own. She needs to include everything, rent, electric, cable, telephone, cell phone, internet, clothing, laundry expenses, groceries, gas and maintence for her car, entertainment and any other expense she spends her money.

Tell her that she will pay you each expense for 6 months. Take the money she pays you and put in a savings account. Tell her that if she pays everything on time you will consider approving of her moving out. If she misses paying you on time, the answer is no. Just simply because landlords and OG&E won't take any excuses they have to be paid.

I guarantee you when she gets a small taste of the real world. She will decide to stay home and go to school.

In my opinion if you ever make the decision to move in with friends its best that all parties are on equal terms. All have well paying jobs, all have cars and all are responsible with thier finances.

Well put oklacity75! Make her prove she can live out on her own. If she can make the bills during the probation period, then maybe she will be able to support herself. I think it's highly unlikely she'll be able to do either though.

For a potentially college-bound kid, this could be very damaging. Too many kids get out of HS, get their first "real" job, and are content with it. Being content, they are basically condemned to a life of being truly exploited. They are wasting their potential. I'm nowhere close to being a parent, yet if I were, this is one of those times where the parent should certainly put the foot down. The kid will most likely be living in a dorm situation next year in college anyhow. Can they not wait a year to be out on their own?

I just want to say a special thank you to everyone who took time to read and reply with all these great ideas. To tell you the truth, I think she has dropped the idea since her car engine just went "boom"... that would mean no way to work or school and she is finding out that mom isn't running out to buy her another car..(this is her 2nd car to blow its engine).


We haven't discussed how to get the car fixed or whether we will try to fix it or her first car..or buy another, yet. She is going snow skiing on Wednesday, which was most of her Christmas present from me, and when she gets back, I imagine we will do the heart-to-heart again. Only this time I will have plenty of answers and questions to use, from all the replies.

Thank you all again and I am grateful to everyone who took time to give me ideas.

Sella

You're very welcome

I would make her pay for the save the money for repairs or for a another vehicle. I paid for my first car, paid for the insurance and every single repair the car needed. When the car broke down it stayed parked in the driveway until I had the money for the repairs. The only thing my folks paid for was an occasional loan for gas money.(I was required to pay them back on payday.) I learned the imporant lesson of take care of the car and the car will take care of you. Besides people always take better care of the things they own when they foot the bill themselves.

I think oklacity75 is right on the money......making her pay for the car repairs or replacement will teach her responsiblity. Obviously, she wants responsiblity...that's definitely a good way for her to get it. At least she's learning that she needs mother afterall! That's good! I know I treasure my parents, and all that they've done for me over the years! Sure, they made me work for stuff, but they'd done more than I could ever ask!

If you need a good mechanic, let me know. Proactive Volunteer, a regular poster on this forum, owns an auto shop....her and her husband run it! I'm sure she could hook you up!
Send me a PM if you want more information, i.e., her business address, phone number, etc.

Sella, I'm thrilled that she won't be leaving home soon. Moving out of the house could've been extremely damaging to her future. Her chances of going to college might've diminished. God allows certain things to happen for a reason, and He probably did that here.

Okay so my daughter is a senior in HS and has decided with 2 other friends that they are ready to move out. It hurts because she is a 3.75 gpa type kid and I know that if she moves out her grades and any chance at college will go BOOM.....

Any ideas on how I can talk her into staying? She has life good right now. I am not strict but am a concerned parent.

She originally said no she was waiting to move until she graduates. But the other 2 friends do not have a car so she is a ride for them to and from work and school. One has graduated, and one is a junior this year. They are brother and sister and do not have parents to say bad idea.

Anyhoo, I think they are pressuring her because she is the only one with a car and they need to have her live with them for a ride to and from work and school.

Any ideas or thoughts would be appreciated.
Sella


This is GrandMaMa, mother of 4 sons, none would say that I never did my best for them...now..keyword" she is only 17 that is all you have to think about, thank God, you still have control...under NO circumstances should she be moving out at that age..if you are lucky, in the interim, you will somehow strike a rapport with her that will keep her emotionally tied to you until she is emotionally able to make those decisions herself. Don't give any ground, but listen, listen, listen...most important thing. Don't just give her no, give her a positve choice.

grandmama -- check the date on the original post. Daughter is now 18, maybe 19.

grandmama -- check the date on the original post. Daughter is now 18, maybe 19.Thanks, that makes one heck of a lot of difference

Thanks, that makes one heck of a lot of difference

That's OK, GrandMaMa....I have done the exact thing myself. I have to remind myself to look at the original date of the post so that I don't make a fool of myself (which I am good at doing).

That's OK, GrandMaMa....I have done the exact thing myself. I have to remind myself to look at the original date of the post so that I don't make a fool of myself (which I am good at doing).

That makes me feel somewhat better, but it seems like I'm the queen of jumping in with both feet without reading all of the previous posts. I will be more careful from now on...thanks again, Midtowner for clueing me in

Maybe Mr. Anderson and Darling Diva need to take their posts private or start another thread. It seems as if they've gotten off the main subject a bit. Just my opinion.

Very old thread, my4sonsjrbm. One of the participants isn't even with us anymore.

Due to the fact this issue has been resolved I have closed the thread.


A general discussion thread on this topic is now open if anyone wants to discuss the issue in general and not in refrence to this thread.


rxis you will find your post here:

http://www.okctalk.com/peanut-butter-jelly/6701-should-parents-allow-thier-teens-move-out-thier-own.html