My 12 year old son may be coming to live with me and my wife. We live in NW OKC and he lives with his mom in Moore. He is in the 6th grade (elementary in Moore) and he would be in Jr high with us (Hefner Middle School). He has a 13 year old sister and 3 other step siblings there in Moore. He would be the only child in my household. He has lived all 12 years with his mom. I have him on weekends and I am intensely involved with him on a day to day basis. Here are my questions:
-Have any of you had a child come and live with you after they had lived with the other parent for so long?
-How did they react to it?
-What issues did you face?
-How concerned should I be about him going from elementary school to Jr high basically overnight?
-Would any of you be willing to talk to me live about your experiences?

Thank you all

Eddie
eddielandry@yahoo.com

As a young adult (26) who did this same thing (but at a younger age...I was in 2nd grade), I may be able to offer some info. I was involved with both parents. I lived with my dad and visited my mom every other weekend. I spoke to my mom almost daily. I remember trying to get away with EVERYTHING! I used the line "but I was allowed to do this at my dad's house" even if I knew my mom knew I was lying. I was testing my limits. This eventually settled down when I realized that the same rules applied. This may not happen depending on your son's maturity, but it could to some degree. As far as your son going from elementary to jr. high, I would not worry about this at all. This happens to every kid, they just usually have a summer in between. But the same principal applies, they go to elementary school one day, middle school the next. I would be more worried about your son changing in the middle of the year. There could be differences in material taught, etc. This could be very difficult to overcome if his old school is not as far along as his new school. However, if his new school is not as far along, this will be better because it will give him time to settle into the new school before new material is thown his way.

Hope this helps. If not, sorry.

Sounds like an exciting challenge....

I haven't experienced this with biological children but I used to be a Foster Parent in California and I have some experience with children coming from a different home to live with us ( temporarily).

The biggest mistake I made was to start our living arrangement under the assumption that these kids had been traumatized (which they were) ... but knowing this, I bent over backwards to be welcoming ( which was the right thing) but I was reluctant to establish any rules or consequences and the kids really didn't know how to act in our home.. eventually, it would backfire because they would try to figure out the rules by unknowingly breaking them and then I would get frustrated and overwhelmed myself.

Bottom line, if I could give you any advice would be to sit down with your wife ( son's stepmom) establish the most important rules of your home... write down your expectations... ie grades, bedtime, how much TV, how long can he play video games, does he have chores, when, where, how, does he get an allowance, how much? Can he raid the fridge night and day? Can he have friends over without calling first? Talk about it all now and try to minimize problems before they become huge issues..

Will he have a phone, what kind of visitations will he have with his bio family ?, etc etc.

Respect issues, how much authority will you delegate to your wife? How much discipline are you comfortable with her doling out, if any? How will you decide if and when he misbehaves, who will give the consequences?

Write out a daily chore list or expectations.. depending on his maturity level, keep it simple.... ie, make your bed in the morning, rinse your dishes, take out the garbage daily, do your homework between 4-5pm or ? etc etc.. you'd be surprised how little things like this can give your son a sense of responsibility and a feeling of being structured and a purpose and place in your family (because he might feel like he's floundering and a little lost with nothing to do without his siblings).

If you could transition a bit before he starts school by having him meet some children in the neighborhood that attend his school, that would help. Also, meeting with the school counselor, teachers, etc that would be helpful.

Make rules right off the bat with logical consequences, have him sign the rules noting that he read and understands them... and that he agrees that if he breaks the rules, he has chosen the consequence of that rule. Not you, not your wife.

You have the challenge of protecting your relationship from the sometimes troubling relationship of a step parent ( not always, but most of the time). I would think it is of great importance to establish a date night alone with your wife every week without your son from the very beginning... your wife will appreciate it greatly.

Maybe check out some books on blended families and how to minimize issues before they become problems.

Good luck to you!

Wow, every word you wrote is pure Gold! I am being as sincere as I possibly can be. This is the best advice I have seen someone give in a long time. As someone who has been in this situation, this is very good advice! Thank you Karried and Eddie, this will work, trust me. This advice will help you tremendously! I hope things go well!

ahhh thanks!

lol, I wish I could take some of my own advice ha.ha.. it's sometimes easier to write it than to do it!

We just have to do the best we can, right?

These replies are great....thank you so much for the advice.

Eddie