Animal jokes

[mranderson]

Fun at The Zoo

One day an out of work mime is visiting the zoo and attempts to earn some money as a street performer.

However, as soon as he starts to draw a crowd, the zookeeper grabs him and drags him into his office.

The zookeeper explains to the mime that the zoo's most popular attraction, a gorilla, has died suddenly. The keeper fears that attendance at the zoo will fall off. He offers the mime a job to dress up as the gorilla until they can get another one. The mime accepts.

The next morning, before the crowd arrives, the mime puts on the gorilla suit and enters the cage. He discovers that it's a great job. He can sleep all he wants, play and make fun of people and he draws bigger crowds than he ever did as a mime.

However, eventually the crowds tire of him and he gets bored just swinging on tires. He begins to notice that the people are paying more attention to the lion in the cage next to his.

Not wanting to lose the attention of his audience, he climbs to the top of his cage, crawls across a partition, and dangles from the top to the lion's cage. Of course, this makes the lion furious, but the crowd loves it.

At the end of the day the zookeeper comes and gives the mime a raise for being such a good attraction as a gorilla.

Well, this goes on for some time. The mime keeps taunting the lion, the crowds grow larger, and his salary keeps going up. Then one terrible day when he is dangling over the furious lion, he slips and falls. The mime is terrified. The lion gathers itself and prepares to pounce. The mime is so scared that he begins to run round and round the cage with the lion close behind. Finally, the mime starts screaming and yelling, "Help, Help me!", but the lion is quick and pounces. The mime soon finds himself flat on his back looking up at the angry lion and the lion says, "Shut up you idiot! Do you want to get us both fired?

[mranderson]

Correct Terms for Cat Owners
My cat does not barf hairballs, he is a floor/rug redecorator.
My cat does not break things, she helps gravity do its job.
My cat does not fear dogs, they are merely sprint practice tools.
My cat does not gobble, she eats with alacrity.
My cat does not scratch, he is a furniture/rug/skin ventilator.
My cat is not a "shedding machine", she is a hair relocation stylist.
My cat is not a "treat-seeking missile", she enjoys the proximity of food.
My cat is not a chatterbox, she is advising me on what to do next.
My cat is not a dope addict, she is catnip appreciative.
My cat is not a ruthless hunter, she is a wildlife control expert.
My cat is not evil, she is badness enhanced.
My cat is not fat, he is mass enhanced.
My cat is not hydrophobic, she has an inability to appreciate moisture. My cat is not underfoot, she is shepherding me to my next destination (which should always be the food dish).

[mranderson]

How many dogs does it take to change a light bulb?
1. Golden Retriever: The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got our whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid burned out bulb?
2. Border Collie: Just one. And then I'll replace any wiring that's not up to code.
3. Dachshund: You know I can't reach that stupid lamp!
4. Rottweiler: Make me.
5. Boxer: Who cares? I can still play with my squeaky toys in the dark.
6. Lab: Oh, me, me! Pleeeeeeeeeze let me change the light bulb! Can I? Can I? Huh? Huh? Huh? Can I? Pleeeeeeeeeze, please, please, please!
7. German Shepherd: I'll change it as soon as I've led these people from the dark, check to make sure I haven't missed any, and make just one more perimeter patrol to see that no one has tried to take advantage of the situation.
8. Jack Russell Terrier: I'll just pop it in while I'm bouncing off the walls and furniture..
9. Old English Sheep Dog: Light bulb? I'm sorry, but I don't see a light bulb!
10. Cocker Spaniel: Why change it? I can still pee on the carpet in the dark.
11. Chihuahua: Yo quiero Taco Bulb. Or "We don't need no stinking light bulb."
12. Greyhound: It isn't moving. Who cares?
13. Australian Shepherd: First, I'll put all the light bulbs in a little circle... 14. Poodle: I'll just blow in the Border Collie's ear and he'll do it. By the time he finishes rewiring the house, my nails will be dry.

[mranderson]

Dog writes to Heaven
Dear Heaven: Why do humans smell the flowers, but seldom, if ever, smell one another?
Dear Heaven: When we get to heaven, can we sit on your couch? Or is it still the same old story?
Dear Heaven: Why are there cars named after the jaguar, the cougar, the mustang, the colt, the stingray, and the rabbit, but not ONE named for a dog? How often do you see a cougar riding around? We do love a nice ride! Would it be so hard to rename the "Chrysler Eagle" the "Chrysler Beagle"?
Dear Heaven: If a dog barks his head off in the forest and no human hears him, is he still a bad dog?
Dear Heaven: We dogs can understand human verbal instructions, hand signals, whistles, horns, clickers, beepers, scent ID's, electromagnetic energy fields, and Frisbee flight paths. What do humans understand?
Dear Heaven: More meatballs, less spaghetti, please.
Dear Heaven: Are there mailmen in Heaven? If there are, will I have to apologize?
Dear Heaven: Let me give you a list of just some of the things I must remember to be a good dog.
1. I will not eat the cats' food before they eat it or after they throw it up.
2. I will not roll on dead seagulls, fish, crabs, etc., just because I like the way they smell.
3 I will not munch on "leftovers" in the kitty litter box, although they are tasty.
4. The diaper pail is not a cookie jar.
5. The sofa is not a 'face towel'. Neither are Mom and Dad's laps.
6. The garbage collector is not stealing our stuff.
7. My head does not belong in the refrigerator.
8. I will not bite the officer's hand when he reaches in for Mom's driver's license and registration.
9. I will not play tug-of-war with Dad's underwear when he's on the toilet.
10. Sticking my nose into someone's crotch is an unacceptable way of saying "hello".
11. I don't need to suddenly stand straight up when I'm under the coffee table.
12. I must shake the rainwater out of my fur before entering the house, not after.
13. I will not throw up in the car.
14. I will not come in from outside and immediately drag my butt.
15. I will not sit in the middle of the living room and lick my crotch when we have company.
16. The cat is not a 'squeaky toy' so when I play with him and he makes that noise, it's usually not a good thing.
And, finally, My last two questions...
Dear Heaven: Why do humans only have 10 Commandments and dogs have 16?

[mranderson]

Are You Owned by Your Dog?
How many of these statements apply to you and your dog?
1) You believe every dog is a lap dog.
2) If you are cold, you put a sweater on your dog.
3) You have a picture of your dog in your wallet, but not one of your kids.
4) You often claim that it was love at first sight with you and your dog.
5) You have your dog talk to your friends on the phone.
6) You can't fully enjoy yourself without your dog.
7) No matter how large your bed is, it is not large enough for you and your dog (s).
8) You spend more on clothes and food for your dog than you do for yourself.
9) You have no reservations about kissing your dog on the lips, even when you know where his lips have been.
10) You believe it is your duty to talk to, pat, and even feed every dog in the neighborhood. You know their names.
11) You let the neighbor's dog sleep over.
12) You believe there is no such thing as a naughty dog.
13) Your vet and grooming bills exceed your rent.
14) When you need someone to talk to, your dog is your first choice. 15) You sit on the floor if the dog got in the chair first.

[Midtowner]

Q: What's the difference between a truckload of bowling balls and a truckload of dead puppies?

A: You can unload the dead puppies with a pitchfork.