Laugher -Best Medicine

Karried · #1 (**permalink**) 03-20-2006, 12:36 PM

Thought we could all use a little smile in our lives.. the joke thread is getting really lonnnggggg....

Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting.

Well for example, the other day I went into town and went into a shop. I was only in there for about 5 minutes. When I came out there was a cop writing out a parking ticket. I went up to him and said, "Come on man, how about giving a senior citizen a break?"

He ignored me and continued writing the ticket.

I called him a Nazi bastard. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tires.

So I called him a crap head. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket. This went on for about 20 minutes.

The more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote.

Personally, I didn't care.

I came into town by bus.

I try to have a little fun each day now that I'm retired.

It's important at my age.<FONT face=Arial color=black size=2><SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; COLOR: black; FONT-FAMILY: Arial">

#2 (**permalink**) 03-20-2006, 01:15 PM

Did I miss something? Who threatened to ban you?

#3 (**permalink**) 03-20-2006, 02:22 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by needa_bddy

That is cute, Karried.

Since I suspect this will be my last post, please let me say that it has been fun, but I do not do well under the constant threat of being banned.

Youall have fun.

Have fun Oki_Man5, we'll miss you.

#4 (**permalink**) 03-20-2006, 06:08 PM

BLONDE COOKBOOK!

MONDAY: It's fun to cook for Tom. Today I made angel

food cake. The recipe said beat 12 eggs separately. The
neighbors were nice enough to loan me some extra bowls.

TUESDAY: Tom wanted fruit salad for supper.
The recipe said serve without dressing. So I didn't dress.
What a surprise when Tom brought a friend home for

supper.

WEDNESDAY: A good day for rice. The recipe said wash
thoroughly before steaming the rice. It seemed kind of
silly but I took a bath anyway. I can't say it improved
the rice any.

THURSDAY: Today Tom asked for salad again. I tried a

new recipe. It said prepare ingredients, lay on a bed of
lettuce one hour before serving. Tom asked me why I

was rolling around in the garden.

FRIDAY: I found an easy recipe for cookies.
It said put the ingredients in a bowl and beat it.
There must have been something wrong with this recipe.
When I got back, everything was the same as when I left.

SATURDAY: Tom did the shopping today and brought

home a chicken. He asked me to dress it for Sunday

(oh boy).For some reason Tom keeps counting to ten.

SUNDAY: Tom's folks came to dinner. I wanted to serve
roast but all I had was hamburger. Suddenly I had a flash

of genius. I put the hamburger in the oven and set the

controls for roast. It still came out hamburger,much to

my disappointment.

GOOD NIGHT DEAR DIARY. This has been a very exciting

week. I am eager for tomorrow to come so I can try out a

new recipe on Tom. If I can talk Tom into buying a bigger
oven, I would like to surprise him with chocolate moose.

************************************************** **********************************************
For the Ladies.........................................

15 Pieces of Advice for Women

1. Don't imagine you can change a man, unless he's in diapers.
2. What do you do if your boyfriend walks-out? ... You shut the door.
3. If they put a man on the moon ... they should be able to put them all up there.
4. Never let your man's mind wander - it's too little to be out alone.
5. Go for younger men. You might as well ... they never mature anyway.
6. Men are all the same - they just have different faces, so that you
can tell them apart.
7. Definition of a bachelor; a man who has missed the opportunity to make some woman miserable.
8. Women don't make fools of men ... most of them are the do-it-yourself types.
9. Best way to get a man to do something, is to suggest they are too old for it.
10. Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.
11. If you want a committed man, look in a mental hospital.
12. The children of Israel wandered around the desert for 40 years. Even in biblical times, men wouldn't ask for directions.
13. If he asks what sort of books you're interested in, tell him checkbooks.
14. Remember a sense of humor does not mean that you tellhim jokes, it means that you laugh at his.
15. Sadly, all men are created equal.

Curt · #5 (**permalink**) 03-20-2006, 07:47 PM

St Peter looked up and over 1000 folks from New Orleans were converging on the Pearly Gates.

Never having had more than one or two persons a day from New Orleans before, he ran to God and asked him what to do.

God told him, "Don't worry, St Peter. There's been a terrible flood in New Orleans. That's the reason for the large number of New Orleanians showing up at once."

St Peter ran back to the Pearly Gates and then ran right back to God yelling, "They're gone, they're gone!"

God said calmly, "St Peter, those 1000 people from New Orleans could not be gone that quickly."

St Peter said, "No! No! the Pearly Gates! They're gone!"

#6 (**permalink**) 03-20-2006, 10:46 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by needa_bddy

Todd said: "Did I miss something? Who threatened to ban you?"

Well! The Furor, of course.

I must be missing something??? Who is the Furor?

#7 (**permalink**) 03-21-2006, 12:03 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Randy

I must be missing something??? Who is the Furor?

Who is he calling a furor?

#8 (**permalink**) 03-21-2006, 12:14 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by needa_bddy

Todd said: "Did I miss something? Who threatened to ban you?"

Well! The Furor, of course.

Hmmm, he words this as if the furor is a person. But yet the definition of furor is

fu·ror

( P ) Pronunciation Key (fy

r

ôr

, -

r)
n.

A general commotion; public disorder or uproar.
Violent anger; frenzy.
A fashion adopted enthusiastically by the public; a fad.
A state of intense excitement or ecstasy.

MadMonk · #9 (**permalink**) 03-21-2006, 07:55 AM

I think he meant "Fuhrer" in reference to a Hitler-like tyrant.

füh·rer also fueh·rer (fyʊr'ər) pronunciation
n.

A leader, especially one exercising the powers of a tyrant.

#10 (**permalink**) 03-31-2006, 06:22 PM

Strange Business Signs

Signs

On a Septic Tank Truck sign: "We're #1 in the #2 business."
*Sign over a gynecologist's office: "Dr. Jones, at your cervix."
*At a proctologist's door: "To expedite your visit please back in."
*On a Plumbers truck: "We repair what your husband fixed."
*On a Plumbers truck: "Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber."
*Pizza shop slogan: "7 days without pizza makes one weak."
*At a tire shop in Milwaukee: "Invite us to your next blowout."
*On a plastic surgeon's office door: "Hello. Can we pick your nose?"
*At a towing company: "We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows."
*On an electrician's truck: "Let us remove your shorts."
*In a nonsmoking area: "If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."
*On a maternity room door: "Push. Push. Push."
*At an optometrist's office: "If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."
*On a taxidermist's window: "We really know our stuff."
*In a podiatrist's office: "Time wounds all heels."
*On a fence: "Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive."
*At a car dealership: "The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment."
*Outside a muffler shop: "No appointment necessary. We hear you coming."
*In a veterinarian's waiting room: "Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"
*At the electric company: "We would be delighted if you send in your payment. However, if you don't, you will be."
*In a restaurant window: "Don't stand there and be hungry .. Come on in and get fed up."
*In the front yard of a funeral home: "Drive carefully. We'll wait."
*At a propane filling station, "Tank heaven for little grills."
*And don't forget the sign at a Chicago radiator shop: "Best place in town to take a leak."

#11 (**permalink**) 04-14-2006, 09:33 PM

You may not know this but many non-living things have a gender.

1) Ziploc Bags are Male, because they hold everything in, but you can
see right through them.

2) Copiers are Female, because once turned off; it takes a while to
warm them up again. It's an effective reproductive device if the right
buttons are pushed! , but can wreak havoc if the wrong buttons are pushed.

3) A Tire is Male, because it goes bald and it's often over-inflated.

4) A Hot Air Balloon is Male, because, to get it to go anywhere, you
have to light a fire under it, and of course, there's the hot air part.

5) Sponges are Female, because they're soft, squeezable and retain
water.

6) A Web Page is Female, because it's always getting hit on.

7) A Subway is Male, because it uses the same old lines to pick people
up.

8) An Hourglass is Female, because over time, the weight shifts to the
bottom.

9) A Hammer is Male, because it hasn't changed much over the last 5,000
years, but it's handy to have around.

10) A Remote Control is Female. Ha! You thought it'd be male, didn't
you?

But consider this - it gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it,
and while he doesn't always know the right buttons to push, he keeps
trying!

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